I am exhausted.
Work has been hard, especially on weekends. Dylan... well... he's is a five-year-old who needs his mommy. School is demanding and with the number of assignments I already have piling up on each other I'm afraid to think about what it's going to be like in a month or two.
Hell, I am sure. Ha.
Dylan has been particularly difficult and needy this past week, the fact that I have school despite work has been robbing him of time with me. He understands to some extent that I have to be away but that only goes so far. He's still a 5-year-old that wants all the attention he can get from his momma.
I have to make sure I'll make it up to him this weekend. I might plan activities for both of us. Who knows, maybe I'll take him to play football in the park, or the zoo. He has been adapting so well at school, and despite a few small tantrums for attention, he has been good. He deserves it.
It's early in the morning and I have already left him at school. At the moment I am almost arriving at mine and even though I am happy to be where I am, today I just don't feel the energy to be excited.
First of all, because I will have to see Mr Adell today and second because I have barely slept the last week. Today, not even the warm temperature of the sun could wake me up. It was still warm with a slight fresh breeze and the sky was clear. The light shone on the dark granite building of the city, making her slightly lighter.
This city was beautiful but melancholic. On a cloudy day, the mood was easily transferred from the dark grey buildings to the people. Nostalgia was the one I felt the most on those days, the remembering of times where I had no worries, no difficulties.
Those times were deeply missed. We call it Saudade, that deep void you feel in your heart when someone or something is missing because it no longer is part of your life. This word doesn't really have a translation but it runs deep in our culture.
I miss my childhood, I miss him.
The commotion of my surrounding pulled me back to the present. Students all around, walking relaxed or rushing to classes. Friends engaged in conversation, a few in hushed tones, others laughing loudly and not afraid to have a good time. This is my new reality.
After everything I went through alone, I deserve it. Dylan and I, deserve it.
Crossing the big square that led up to the building where I was going to have class, I drag my feet into the classroom where Johanna is already waiting for me by our seats. I've asked her to keep quiet in Mr Adell's classes since he's not fond of me at all and she tries to comply. Try being the keyword. He seems to like to push my buttons but I can't understand the why.
The only reason I could master is self-esteem problems. Which I don't get because the man is drop-dead gorgeous.
"Hey girl!" Johanna beamed at me. I gave her a weak smile. "Damn, you look like a zombie, what's going on?"
"I have a lot going on and have not been sleeping enough," I mumble while sitting down next to her.
"Well, you do work a lot, you can never come with me anywhere." She complains.
"I am sorry but besides that, I still have a lot of things to do at home daily. We have to work something up, maybe a coffee one of these days, what do you think?" She could be overbearing sometimes but she meant good and I did enjoy her company.
"How about this Friday? There's a party and you do need to unwind a little bit."
"Uhm..." How do I tell her that I don't do parties? "I am actually working that night, I am sorry."
"So what? Come after work!"
With that, Mr Adell comes into the classroom and I decided to answer her later. The last thing I need is for him to throw a fit because I am talking.
"Hey..." Johanna whispers. "You haven't answered me. Come on."
I look at Mr Adell and he already has his eyes on us, jumping from Johanna to me. He's waiting, like a predator waiting on his prey to make the move. He's waiting on me to speak. But I won't, I look back at him, unwavering for a few moments until Johanna catches my attention again.
"Please, say yes!" I look back at her and just as I open my mouth a strong husky voice speaks.
"Anything to share with us, Miss Hanlon?"
Sighing I look back at him and answer: "No, sir."
Johanna finally takes the hint to shut up and I take my notebook out of my bag to start writing as he speaks, starting today's class. I am usually drinking every word that comes out of his mouth during classes because let's face it. The guy is an asshole but he's remarkable at teaching, especially literature.
But today was hard to focus. My vision got blurry several times and my brain started to disconnect often, to the point that I was barely able to write down what we were learning and I had to support my head with my hand.
Word by word, I felt my mind slipping away. My eyes got heavier and not long after I zoned out of the content being lectured at class.
"Miss Hanlon?" I felt a small nudge on my shoulder, followed by a strong voice again. "Willow Hanlon!"
I opened my eyes, startled by the strong voice that had called my name. I straightened and looked around.
I fell asleep during class; I am not going to hear the end of it...
"Well, look at that. You gave us the honour of finally joining us for class." He says sarcastically.
"I- Uhm, I am sorry Sir, I have-" I tried but he cut me off quickly.
"Oh, spare me, will you? Just get out of my class and come back when you are actually interested in learning something in your oh-so-difficult life."
The crude words that had left his mouth had cut deep. My vision blurred but I blinked the tears away, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Sure, there were people out there that had harder lives than mine but it didn't mean that everything was handed to me on a golden platter.
"Haven't you heard what I said? Get out!" His raised voice made me jump and widen my eyes at the same time.
I don't know if he understands the gravity of his attitude, of his malice towards me but I am not in one of those days when I care so, I hastily gather my stuff and hurry out of the class.
Outside, I lean against the wall and pinch my nose with my shaky hands.
What the hell?
Other students whisper and keep conversations all the time and he gives them nothing more than just a glare. Fine, I fell asleep which may be worse but I did not disrupt his class because I know I don't even snore.
I am already on eggshells with this guy and Johana had to stir the pot right at the beginning of class. Then I had to make it worse by falling asleep. He probably thinks I didn't have enough sleep due to my crazy party life.
If only he knew that I don't even know what a party is because I got pregnant before I could know what one was...
I don't like curse words but this situation demands it...
"Fuck!" I breathe in a whisper.
This was supposed to be a new chapter, an easier part of my life but I guess nothing is bound to come easy in my life. I was not expecting life to be easier just because I moved to the other part of the country but having a teacher with irrational hate towards me was certainly not part of the plan.
This is really an off day and since I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else for the remainder of the day I went back home for a nap until it was time to pick up Dylan from school.
I just hope that I can get adapted to this rhythm, otherwise, I'll have to go through the longest three years of my life.