DISILLUSIONED

I wasn't proud of the decision I had made but I couldn't take it anymore. The loss, the gossip, the pain. Nobody would be able to handle it, not me, not anyone else. So yes, I wasn't proud of my decision but I wasn't going back on it.

"Hey!" I heard someone yell. I knew immediately who it was and I wasn't going to turn back.

"What do you think you're doing, Veronica?" He yelled again.

"Just leave me alone, Nathan."

"I asked you a question."

"And I ignored it. Now, go away."

"Is this about what Mia said? It was just a joke, why are you overreacting?"

I planned on ignoring him but he had successfully pissed me off. I came down from the ledge and stormed towards him. I slapped him hard across his face.

"Overreacting? You think I'm overreacting? I lost my best friend and my own twin on the same freaking night. Only to come back to school, and everyone's blaming me for what happened. Like, that isn't enough, everyone is avoiding me like the plague, forgetting that I too was affected by their deaths. Creating stupid rumours, of which your girlfriend is the queen. And now, you tell me that I'm overreacting?!"

"I get it, I do. But don't..." He tried to explain but it pissed me off even more.

"No you don't. You don't get any of it. Okay? And stop trying to change my mind, I've already made my decision."

Suddenly, Nathan grabbed my elbow and pulled me towards him.

"I don't need to change your mind. You're getting in the car." He said and pushed me towards his car.

I struggled out of his grip but it was of no use, "Let me go. I swear, I'll scream."

"Go ahead, it's the middle of the night and of nowhere. You selected a very strategic spot to commit suicide." He held my wrists with his left hand and opened the passenger door with his right.

"Leave me alone, Nathan. I have to do this." I said, my voice breaking.

"No, you don't. Get in." He said.

I entered the car and dipped my head in my hands.

"Why are you stopping me?" I said, tears rolling down my eyes.

"I'm not doing anything, Veronica. You're sitting here because deep down, you don't wanna go through with this." He started his car and we left the area.

I shook my head and just stared out the window. Of course, I didn't want to go through with it. I had a serious fear of water. And there were still some good things left in my life.

Sure, they were only a few, but they were there.

"Look, I'm sorry about the whole thing. I didn't know..." Nathan started as we drew closer to town.

"Yeah, there are a lot of things you don't know, Nathan. And stop apologising, we both know you don't mean it." I sighed and turned away from him completely.

Nathan was no saint. I knew that for sure and I knew that what he was doing wasn't because he didn't want me to die.

"Yesterday, at school, you said I deserve to die..."

"Not me, Julie did." He defended.

"Yeah, with your approval." I spat back. "I don't know why you won't just drop me here. I can walk."S

"Yeah, I noticed. You walked all the way from your house to that abandoned river just to take a dive." He said sarcastically.

I rolled my eyes. Why did I have to be stuck with this guy?

Or more importantly, why can't I go through with this? What is wrong with me?

"Hey, which way is your house again?" Nathan asked.

I sighed, "You know where my house is, Nathan. Stop with the small talk, it's annoying."

He sighed and drove quietly and for once I was happy.

Finally, the car came to a stop and I hopped down from the car.

"Hey, Veronica." Nathan called but I ignored him.

"There's no way in hell that I am going to listen to your 'say no to suicide' speech or the 'I didn't realize I've been a jerk to you. But I promise I'll change'. I just want to sleep."

"Would you just..."

"See you on Monday, Nathan."

I walked into the house and slammed the door. And I regretted my decision almost immediately.

"Where have you been all night?" Judy said as soon as I stepped in.

"Can we not talk about it?" I said and she was about to respond but I stopped her. "Auntie, please. Not tonight."

She stormed away and I breathed in relief.

I climbed upstairs, tears rolling down my cheeks. I kept my sobs silent till I got to my room but I couldn't hold them in any longer as soon as I shut my door.

I staggered to my bed and grabbed the pills on the bedside. I needed sleep just as much as I needed death. I really just needed peace. And nothing could give me it but the pills. So, I took them and waited for the next time I had to face the shitshow I called my life.

By the time I woke up, Judy had already gone to church which was a relief because I wasn't ready to face her yet. I went to the freezer and brought out my half-eaten bucket of ice-cream and headed back to my room to watch Hachi for the third time this week.

"Ready to explain yourself now, missy?" Judy barged into my room twenty minutes till the end of the movie.

She took the remote from my bed and paused, standing in front of the tv, to get my attention.

I sighed. Judy would never understand my actions or the reasons behind them. So, I cleared my throat and looked at her, "I went out."

"I'm gonna need something more than that, young lady. You came home past one yesterday. What the hell?" Judy threw her hands up in the air.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know, Veronica. You tell me. Give me a reason other than you went out. Went out with a boy? With friends? Had sex?"

"Ew, gross. What?!" I felt my ice cream coming back up.

"Then what is it? Because I saw Nathan drop you off yesterday."

Before I could object, a part of me thought better. There was nothing else apart from the truth to tell her so I kept the disgust out of my face as I nodded. "Fine, you got me. It's Nathan."

I couldn't tell if it was pride or disappointment or a mixture of both in her eyes but whatever it was had me scared. Judy always did crazy things. What if telling Nathan joins the list?

Oh no.