?" I inquire, getting into position. I flex

ent is under general

in today's surgery, Doctor Charles, a junior resident assisting as well, Dr. Smith, the an

oking at the patient's ex

ent heart is failing, and the mechanical assist device is nearing its expiration date, so he needs a new tr

sternotomy," I announce, stre

Dr. May. As I make the incision, the scalpel glides smoothly

dium; be careful not to dama

ed on the task at hand. We carefully dis

ull back the tissue. "Suction.... Now, let's cannulate the aorta...

onary bypass and get the p

PB machine hums as it pulses to life, settling into a rhythmic whoo

ass now," Ms.

"Remove the blood fro

he site thoroughly. The water spurts out, cleaning off fl

and sideways. After the blood flow to the heart

rdiac monitor flatlines. The ECG monitor flatlines t

uickly to minimize potential complications," I emphasize. "Focus," I order. "We will

s, P

to carry out my order in the dimly lit operating room. We carefully

ure..." I provide brief instructions, my finger

direct, "Let's complete the anastomosis." This con

ruct, and Ms. Johnson

with tension, not because my team doubts my skills, but because Mr. Gonzalez is a cruc

whose health conditions often entail comp

ured into giving my best until I reached this spot. Nobody can deny that my position is partly due to my sta

ation of a pulse. I massage the heart gently, prompting it to yield. And then, sudd

mith announces with glee, his

close the chest incision. Suture... Cut..." I dictate interm

e stable," Dr.

"Let's get the patient stable and

," Dr. Smit

nt, my bloodied hands held upward. "Good job, everyone," I commend my

n connecting the OR to the observation ga

here are a few older professors who came to watch, as the

pools at the center of my stomach. She rarely watches me operate on patients. I'm sure her presence has nothing to do with the fac

'm needed for a purpose. Questions filter through

ears growing up. I have never felt an emotional connection or

attention before I accepted the painful reality: I was

pecting frivolities like love and attention from others. I mere

my peers and everyone, I didn't d

yself of leisure to groom myself into perfection

word about her pride in me. I doubt she is. I don't care

ins off my hands first in the basin

asted for eight hours. Eight hours of intense concentration will take a to

es, I would have preferred to be a ballerina or a dancer.

d drape my lab coat over it. I apply a faint spray of perfume and check my refl