PERFECT DEBAUCHERY: A COLLEGE MM ROMANCE

ppy and wet and

th at the skin on his neck, rubbing my

rabbing both my wrist

i breathe

e repeat

g?" i run my eyes

Caleb we're at church!

s never stopped us in the past. I stare at him, trying to figure out why this is a proble

ng on?" I ask. He gives me a grim look which makes my arou

g my arms. He exhales sharply through his nose,

ell me, what's wrong? I stare up

doing this. I don't think th

lready. I know I'm going away to college soon, but I really believe we can make it

ook as though I'm a misbehaving child. I hate it when he looks

night, we facetime, we visit all the time, and if

re such a chil

a child"

ng about? What did you think this shit we're

ammers in my chest "I..... that's not... I don't kno

n between us all this while, but I promise you, it wasn't that

weakly, I can't even hear myself over t

!" he says, softly, coddling me. H

ng at me? Is thi

go to college to live your best life without t

? I bet you won't be amused when everybody knows

teen Caleb" h

rned eighteen" "Shut up, Caleb." he says in a

re? Trying to blackmail me into being your boyfriend" he sa

ork this out. We can make it wor

ifference in his tone is like a smack across my face. The way he downplays his betrayal like it's

omised" he doesn't budge and I hang on to desperate hope that it's shame making him hide his face from me. With despai

ar into the sunset? What I would do to live in your world for a day. I'm sure it's summer all the time and the rivers flow

ping we cou

y that cale

ch word a struggle to utter, past the

esn't m

elf in him, wrapping my arms around his middle. I feel his warm body go stiff. "I will make you happy if onl

houlder, and tries to shake some sense into me. "Stop

king back a sob, as a rogue

f sense in your stupid head, don't come back here. I'm going back to Bible study n

side the church-Like he's not the cause of the searing, asphyxiating pain

ng at the highest point of my lungs that Tim likes boys, and he can't marry Ellie, ho

eiled hostility and backhanded love. But

are too weak, too fragile and unsteady. I stumble forward, my knees wobble like they kno

nstant the ground races up too fast and the

back and stare at the starry sky a

•*•*•*•*•*

own at me - Ellie's. So full

all concern. If only she knew. If only she knew her precious boyfrien

" I mumble, humiliated

. I shrug. I forget to do basic things

you something." I let her lead me to her

just follows me inside. I'm too hollow to fight her. I sit on the kitchen counter like a kicked dog whi

My voice

rs, flashing me th

e blushes. She a

lly good. I

sound. "You think

proposed, woul

elly. "You wound me, Ellie. I thought we were family." She places the plat

have his babi

ays, voice sh

sked," I sneer, "but y

h. "And what would

flat, because that's what he did to

t's best if

linches. Like

lie. I want her to feel an ounc

hope you find peace," she s

mutter, "to want someone

orse than anger. I don't want her pity.

u ever

," I cut

without ano

. Thinking about Tim. About Ellie. About how no one

ll. Maybe that's why I always end up alone. I think about disappearin