tween the third and fourth chapters

ds in the western horizon-although for that matter the sun has a right to "set" where it wants to, and so, I m

pened by Mrs.

f the widow Gloverso

," sai

there of she?" in

er, including me," courteou

I see

u c

wives, whom I respect and tenderly care for, I can truly say that I never felt love's holy thrill till I saw thee! Be mine-be mine!" he ent

ouls with a s

earts that b

united,

be of a young widow woman, or rather does it not show that whatever number of persons one woman may consist of-we

______

E STE

, Oct. 1

l starts for Cal

with our smashing against each other, and the yells of the porters, and the wails over lost baggage, and the crash of box

shing around with a glari

lden hair, clinging to me fondly, and saying, "Dear Ge

e to be Geor

oom which contains a single lady of forty-five su

down, and become s

nearly nine hundred, a hundred at least of whom were children of an unpleasant age. Captain Semmes captured the Ariel once, and it is to be deeply regretted that that thrifty buccaneer hadn't made mince-meat of her, because she is a miserable tub at best, and hasn't m

_____

ill reform ere it is too late. Dr. Watts says the vilest sinner may

_____

y. And sea-voyages at best are a little stupid. On the whole I should prefer a voyage on the Erie Canal

_____

I

ISTH

ortion of his income by carrying passengers' valises and things from the steamer to the hotels in Aspinwall. It was an infamous falsehood. Fancy A. Lincoln carrying ca

the only strictly honest person in Aspinwall. The rest, he says, are niggers-which the color

from the chamber-window of the refreshment sal

in molasses of the Day & Martin brand. Then let the flies gambol over

f the horse to the bowels of the cat, and our girls a

my stomach. He apologizes, and I say, "all right, my lord." I subsequently ascertained that

_____

ard House smoking a cigar, and solicits the job of taking my things to the cars next morning. He is intoxicated, and has been fighting,

gned to a small den upstairs, with

? We said it was. "I thought so," he said. "Of course I mean no disrespect to the United States of America in the remark, but I think I prefer a bloated monarchy!" He smiled sadly-then handing his purse and his mother's photograph to

_____

en the next mor

railway station. His clothes have suffered still more during the nig

s cry; to which I pleasantly reply, "Adous! and lon

utiful. But it will not do to trust it much, because it breeds fevers and other unpleasant disord

zed by the scant dress of these people, and wants to know why the Select Men don't put a stop to it. From this, and a remark she incidentally makes about her son, who h

_____

evolution. When his feet begin to swell and there are premonitory symptoms of gout, he "revo

what a last year's calf's ideas of immortal glory may be, but probably they are about

Ariel. He lay sick with fever, and I went to him and took his hot hand gently in mine. I shall never forget hi

_____

ed of the land of Pizarro. (You know old Piz. conquered Peru! and although he was not educated at West Point, he had still some military t

Peruvian bark, but on an Eng

_____

I

XI

ast town of some importance, i

ut it. Handing you a necklace they will say, "Me give you pres-ent, Senor," and then retire with a low curtsey. Returning, however, in a fe

effected a landing. But the gay and gallant Mexicans peppered them so persisently a

people do. But nobody has any right to lick Mexico except the United States. We have a righ

_____

t 11, and we go off to th

ertheless, because a great deal of merchandise finds its way to the interior from there. The white and green flag of Mexico floats from a red steam-tug (the navy of Mexico, by the way, consists of two tugs, a disabled raft, and a basswoo

ans, from Colima, who are going to California. They are of the better class, and one young man (who was educated in Madrid) speaks English rather better than I write it.

a beautiful cr

kly unbuckling it; and I could no

ted, what a beautiful white hand she had. She might have given it to me on the spot; and that, as she

the City of Mexico. They steal clothes as well as coin. A few days since the mail coa

_____

V

IFO

hackman, who states that inasmuch as I have come out there to amuse people, he will only charge me

day to keep it jolly; and the theatres, the circus, the min

rhaps there can be no great harm in listening to worldly s

kes my ticket with the rema

at on the whole I

ces with the birth of the hero or heroine, which interesting event occurs publicly o

arried to a young Chinaman in spangled pantaloons and a long black tail. The bride's father comes in with his arms full of tea-chests, and bestows them, with his blessing, upon the happy couple. As

e however, "Chow-wow." I agree with him in regard to the ki hi and h

n from San

of serene prosperity. I have my boots repaired here by an artist who informs me that he studied in the penitentiary; and I visit

her aboard the San Francisco boat one morning with the spark

_____

is the capital of the Stat

actually set sail in one of those fragile barks. A drowning man hailed him piteously, thus: "Throw me a rope, oh throw me a rope!" To which the Chinaman excitedly cried, "No have got

_____

nal mining days are over, but I find the

my arrival, by an athletic scarlet-faced

rganized opposition to the California Stage Company at that time, and Mr. Blaze rendered them such

laze," said the President, "but in view of your faithful and efficie

generosity. A tear stood in his e

ill?" he at last cried, seizing the President's

eturned the

w no Stage Company to surpass me in politeness. I'll throw off the other eight

_____

in a few weeks, and am to st

earted and joyous manner. But "leaves have their time

ade with locked wheels. The driver, with whom I sit outside, informs me, as we slowly roll down this fearful mountain road, which looks down on either side into an appalling ravine, that he has met accidents in his t

that?"

tanding the brakes were kept hard down, the coach slewed wil

that?"

I have a overturn I shall go round and keerfully examine the passengers. Them as is dead I shall let al

ote did this dr

_____

SH

in the morning. It is the capital of t

d the law is rather partial than o

, and the Warden points out th

as horse-stealing.

r murder. He is he

esperado told my that he supposed he had killed men enough to stock a graveyard. "A feeling of remorse," he said, "sometimes comes over me! But

ny. Going into the St. Nicholas drinking-house he asked the company present to join him in a North American drink. One individual was rash enough to refuse. With a look of sorrow rather than anger the desperado revealed his revolver, and said, "Good God! Must I

_____

each side of the door where my ticket-taker stands there are monte-boards and sweat-cloth

_____

n of twelve thousand persons, and perhaps more. Virginia, with its stately warehouses and gay shops; its splendid streets, paved with silve

_____

s killed there the other night by the playful discharge of a horse-pistol in the hands of a degenerate and intoxicate

_____

cut his own brother's breast open in a dangerous manner with a small supper knife. He was a gentleman, however. I

egarded anywhere. It was built, of course, by Mr. Thomas Maguire, the Napoleonic manager of the Pacific, and who has built over twenty theat

iskey-vender draws his cork or the gambler spreads his green cloth, Maguire opens a theatre,

_____

I

PE

City was signalized by

intoxicated man who said he was an Editor. Knowing how rare it was for an Editor to be under the blig

t na

said, and

and down the hall outside. In t

ppe

mber it; and he was so flushed with his success that he repeated it

t know what town he lived in," but here was a man so hid

For he published a notice of my lecture

_____

I

EY'S RIDE TO

leaders in the "Tribune" in favor of the Pacific railroad, which had greatly endeared him to

his celebrated white coat to pieces, and

orty miles. The extra was in some way delayed, and did not leave Folsom until late in the afternoon. Mr. Greeley was to be feted at 7 o'clock that evening by the citizens of Placerville, and it was altogether nece

and during the first few miles out

ou aware that I must be at Plac

s!" laconically re

ch dragged sl

this is not a trifling mat

answer, "I've

he was again about to remonstrate with the driver, the horses suddenly started into a fur

. Greeley. "I'll give you ten dollars whe

ed, and at a t

again "that voice" split the air.

up hill and down, at a rate of speed

he coach to the other like an india-rubber ball, man

we-e-e-e shall get there by sev

at was all Henry Monk sa

s extremely sore from the terrible jolting, and ag

care-care-air, if we do

aster than before. Over rocks and stumps, on one of

reeley, "I don't care if w

o. That's wot I work for. They said, 'git this man through by se

nly found its way through the roof of the coach, amidst t

--maniac!

swered H

ders! Keep your

tor, and escort him into town. There was a military company, a brass band, and a six-horse wagon load of beautiful damsels in milk-white dresses representing a

utskirts of Mud Springs, and Mr. Mo

ard?" asked the chair

fter looking down through the hole which the fearful jolting

the window of the coach, "Mr. Greeley, sir! We are come to most cordial

s is as follers: Get him there by seving! It wa

eins-"Mr Monk, we are come to escort him into town! Look at the processi

there by seving!' Let go them lines! Clear the way there! Whoo-ep! Keep your seat, Horace!" and the coach dashed wildly through the p

eir grandchildren how this stage tore through Mud Springs, and how Horace Greeley's

ey was very indignant for a while; then he laughed, and f

s rather fond of relating a story that has made him famous all over the Pacifi

_____

I

ESE R

Salt Lake City, via the R

e the coach-which, by the way, isn't a

ed a widespread reputation as a strangler of unpleasant bears in the moun

ich makes our face pale, I reckon] found loose in that section. We find the guard doubled at all the stations where we change horses, and our passengers nervously examine their pistols and readjust the long littering knives in their belts. I feel in my pockets to see if the key which unlocks the carpet-bag containing my revolvers is all right-for I had rather brilliantly locked my deadly weapons up in

_____

e-chiefly because of my utter ignorance of firearms. I should be valuable to th

_____

is Great Father, and the members of the Cabinet his dear Brothers. They gave him a great many blankets, and he returned to his beautiful hunting grounds and went to killing stage drivers. He made such a fine impression upon Mr. Buchanan during his sojourn in Washi

and he refreshes me during the journey b

en Ward?"

, n

likes large girls just as well. Haw, haw,

erred

middle of the night to t

_____

re at B

n tallow-candles, afforded all the illumination desired. The lecturer spoke from behind the drinking bar. Behind him long rows of decanters glistened; above him hung pictures of race-horses and prize-fighters; and beside him, in his shirt-sleeves and

the close of any "point" that I sought to make he would deal the counter a vigorous blow with

Glory with our boots on. I think perhaps there may be some truth in this, as the mouth of a horse-pistol almost grazes my forehead, while immediately behind the butt of that death-dealing weapon I perceive a large man with black whiskers. Other large men begin to assem

alluded to "Ward" in our ride from Virginia to Austin, was among my hearers at Big Creek. He had discover

_____

X

ALT LAK

ts, and a copy of the Sacramento "Union" newspaper had a few days before fallen into my hands in which a Salt Lake correspondent quite clearly intimated that my reception at the new Zion might be unpleasantly war

g no heart to mingle with

brother nglishman. Comes back at night and says there is a prejudice against me. Advises m

circumstance

e pulpit at one end of the building, and at the other end is another platform for the choir. A young Irishman of the name of Sloan preaches a sensible sort of discourse, to which a Presbyterian could hardly have objected. Last night this same M

se. The congregation doesn't startle us. It is known, I fancy, that the heads of the Church are to be absent to-day, and the attendance is slim. There are no ravishingly beauti

as monopolized the good music long enough, and it is high time the Lord had a portion of it. Therefore trombones are tooted on Sundays in Utah as well as on other days; and there are some splendid

but thinks my wholesale denunciation of a people I had never seen was rather hasty. The following is the parag

t Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum and Germorer, inhabited by as theavin' & o

use language I think I have heard before. I pleaded, however, that it was a purely burlesque sketch, and that this strong p

_____

UNTAIN

s head sadly, and Dr. Williamson, from Camp Douglas, pours all kinds of bitter stuff down my throat. I drink his health in a dose of the cheerful beverage known as jalap, and thresh the sheets with my hot hands. I address large assemblages, who have somehow got into my room, and I charge Dr. Williamson with the murder of L

fear that in my hot frenzy I more than once anathematised his kindly eyes. Nursers and watchers, Gentile and Mormon, volunteer their ser

d and faithful servant". I wished he had lathed me before he plastered me. I was fearfully weak. I was frightfully thin. With either one of my legs you could have cleaned the stem of a meerschaum pipe. My backbone had the appearance of a clothesline wi

ed in Utah, however, and is much thought of by the Church. He is an Elder, and preaches occasionally. He has only two wives. I hear lately that he has sold his property for 25,000 dollars to Brigham Young, and gone to England to make converts. How impressive he may be as an expounder of the Mormon gospel, I don't know. His beefsteaks and chicken-pies, ho

in a country bar-room. Some well-dressed men, in a state of str

, where the sun ever shines and the mag

cky, the home of impassioned oratory: the home of

home of Washington: the birthplace of statesmen: t

at all, and who had been quietly smoking a short black pipe by the fire during

that?" t

he replied; "kin I se

_____

I

M HE

prospect of my staying here for some time to come.

ill-starred countryman, of Sir. J. Frankl

e man who was fixed out to kill in his Boston dressin', 'Where's them mules?' Says the driver, 'Them mules is into the sage brush. You go catch 'em-that's wot you do.' Says the man of Boston

fare, and then be horse-whipped by stage-drivers, for declining to chase mules. But peop

tore one day I overheard the follo

done with that air s

illiam, with a smi

d you

ifty dollars,

that kickin' spavin'd crit

er to m

railly sell that kickin' spavin'd critt

_____

I

HAM

ee him tomorrow. So I go to bed

s son-in-law and chief business manager, calls for me with the Prophet

mes forward, greets me cordially, and introduces

h a clear sharp eye. A man of consummate shrewdness-of great executive ability. He was born in the State of

w pious is he? I treat it as a conundrum, and give it up. Personal

iving sovereign, yet he uses it with such consummate sh

nd, Ohio, and went to Nauvoo with Joseph Smith. That distinguished Mormon han

Y. does. Smith used to have his little Revelation almost every da

and kept in an iron box. I don't suppose these things are true. Rumor says that when the Lion House was ready to be shingled, Brigham received a message from the Lord stating that the carpenters must all take hold and shingle it, and not charge a red cent for their services. Such carpenters as refuse

the exception of a one-tenth part: that must go to the Church; and Brigham Young, as the first President, is the Church's treasurer. Gentiles, of course, say that he abuses this blind confidence of his people, and speculates with their money, and absorbs the interest if he doesn't the principle. The Mormons

having been invited to visit them I can't speak very definitely about this. When I left the Prophet he shook me cordially by the hand, and invited me to call again. This was flattering, because if he dislikes a man at the first interview he never sees him again. He made no allusion to the "le

_____

theatre in Philadelphia. I played a pantomimic part. I removed the chairs between scenes,

_____

pectacle may be witnessed every night the theatre is opened. The dress circle is chiefly occupied by the officers from Camp Douglas and the Gentile Merchants. The upper circles are filled by the private soldiers and Mormon boys. I feel bound to say that a Mormon audience is quite as appreciative as any other kind of an audience. They prefer comedy to tragedy. Sentimental plays, for obvious reasons, are unpopular with t

go alone. When the play drags he either falls into a tranquil sleep or walks out. He wears in winter time a green wrapper, and his hat in the style

that I was never listened to more

_____

I

FOR T

erland Stage, Mr. William Glover on the box, s

deep snow compels us to substi

us. We pierce the Wahsatch

Bromley, agent of the Overland Stage line, and who is better known on the plains than Shakspeare is; although Shakspeare has done a good deal for the stage. James Bromley has seen the Over

to be

the agent

ich we achieve in the Course of Time. Mr. P. gets up and kindles a fire, and a snowy nightcap and a pair of very bright black eyes beam upon us from the bed. That is Mrs. Robert Pollock. The log cabin is a comfortable one. I make coffee in my French

e and barn in one building. The station-keeper is a miserable, toothless wretch

. Here are a group of white buildings, built round

itter Creek division of the Overland route, of which we had heard so many unfavorable stories. The division is really well managed by Mr. Stewart, though the country through which it stret

th. The climate changes suddenly, and the cold is intense. We re

ing the path across the Rocky Mountains. I wrung my frostbitten hands on that dreadful night, and declared that for me to delib

im up tenderly from the snow, and bore him to the sleigh that awaited us by the roadside, some two miles away. The new moon was shining now, and the smile on the sweet white face told how painlessly the poor boy had died. No one knew him. He was from the Bannock mines, was ill-clad, had no baggage or money, and his fare w

North Platte

ll over the plains. This pious driver tried to convert the Doctor, but I am mortified to say that his efforts were not crowned with su

have a breakfast of hashed black-tailed deer, antelope steaks, ham, boiled bear, hone

such a pretty name; but I treated with no little scorn the advice of a hunter I met there, who to

e most part by fine large mules, they make a pleasant panorama, as they stretch slowly over the plains and uplands. We strike the South Platte Sunday, 21st, and breakfast at Latham, a

Black Hawk and Central ity. I leave this queen of all the territories, quite fi

marshy road, and on to Neb

ians now, and encounter them by the hundred. A Chief offers to sell me his daughter (a

st part of the whole continent. How we talked Atchison, and dreamed Atchison, for the next fifty hours! Atchison, I shall always love you. You were evidently mistaken, A

who long ago washed the war-paint from their faces, buried t

_____

in the windows of milk-white churches, and they tell us, far bette

_____

I

UCH MA

ormon wom

up. I do

the like. They were like other women as far as my observation extended. They were hooped, and furbelowed, and shod, and white-c

nsiders she is doing her duty. She loves the man, probably, for I think it is not true, as so many writers have stated, that girls are forced to marry whomsoever "the Church" may dictate. Some pare

get along without heart-burnin

a man can possess twenty wives without having his special favorite, or favorites, is to say that he is an angel in boots-which

godly than she can ever be, and that for her to seek to monopolize his affections is a species of

them. Hence, perhaps, it is that so many old chaps in Utah have young a

the same reason; so this gallant man married the whole crowd, including the girl's grandmother, who had lost all her teeth, and had to be fed with a spoon. The family were in indigent circumstances, and they could

a good many years, he still keeps on marrying women by proxy. He "reveals" who shall act as hi

ttle chamber behind his office;" and if he has eighty wives I don't blame him. He must be bewildered. I know very well that if I had eighty wives of my bosom I should be confused, and shouldn't

nounce, at this late day, a system we all know must be wildly wrong, w

TEMUS WARD

ON PUNCH

_____

L IN L

us Commerce was Uncle Wilyim's fort. He sold soap. It smelt pretty, and redily commanded two pents a cake. I'm the only litrary man in our fam'ly. It is troo, I once had a dear cuzzun who wrote 22 verses onto "A Child who nearly Died of the Measles, O!" but as he injoodiciously introjudiced a

y swallerd. In fack, my Uncle Wilyim was not a emblem of trooth. He retired some years ago on a hansum comptency derived from the insurance-money he received on a rather shaky skooner he owned, and which turned up while lyin at a wharf one night, the cargo havin fortnitly been removed the day afore the disastriss calamty occurd. Uncle Wilyim said it was one of the most sing'ler things he ever heard of; and, after collectin the insurance money, he bus

cter. I say, therefore, to the great men now livin; (you could put 'em all into Hyde Park, by the way, and still leave room for a large and respectable concourse of rioters)-be good. I say to that gifted but bald-heded Prooshun, Bismarck, be good and gentle in your hour of triump. I always am. I admit that our lines is different, Bismarck's and mine; but the same glo'rus principle is involved, I am a exhibiter of startlin' curiositys, wax works, snaix, etsetry ("either of whom," as a American statesman whose name I ain't at liberty to mention for perlitical resins, as he expecks to be a candidate for a prom'nent offiss, and hence doesn't wish to excite the rage and jelisy of other showmen-"either of whom is wuth dubble the price of admission"); I say I am an exhibiter of startlin curiositys, and I also have my hours of triump, but I try to

ines. "As you hain't got no more Cannybals to show us, old man," said one of 'em, who seemed to be a kind of leader among 'em-a tall dis'greeble skoundril-"as you seem to be out of Cannybals, we'll sorter look round here and fix things. Them wax figgers of yours want washin'. There's Napoleon Bonyparte and Ju

Schleswig-Holstein question. We took that int'resting question up and carefully traced it from the time it commenced being so, down to the present day, when my countryman, at the close of a four hours' annymated debate, said he didn't know anything

of the back part of our heads-but his chops and beer is ekal to any I ever pertook. You must cum and see me and bring the boys. I'm told that Garrick used to cum here, but I'm growin skeptycal about Garrick's favorit taverns. I've had over 500 public-

nycation. I'll try and be more collecte

ly Y

mus

_____

I

L RECOL

ver 20 individooals present: "This North American has been a inmate of my 'ouse over two weeks, yit he hasn't made no attempt to scalp any member of my fam'ly. He hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or fur

two countries still more closely together? The lan'lord said my speech was full of orig'nality, but hi

and perhaps they would be ekally sim'lar ten years hens. But now they're diff'rently. The taler said he know'd they was all right, because he had a brother in Wales who kept him informed about London fashins reg'lar. This was a infamus falsehood. But as the ballud says (which I heard a gen'l'man in

ore he can make anything of 'em at all. Our skoolmaster to home says this is a pecoolerarity of geneyus. My wife says it is a pecoolerarity of infernal nonsens. She's a exceedin' practycal woman. I luv her muchly, however, and humer her little ways. It's a recklis falshood that she henpecks me

to alood to her as B.J. outside of the family circle, of which I am it principall

ime of life. His parunts lived near by, and I will simply state 15 minits had only elapst after the first act when he was carried home on a shutter. His mama met the sollum procession at the door, and after keerfully looking her orfspring over, she said: "My son, I see how it is distinctually. You've been foolin' round a Trashin Masheen. You went in at the place where they put the grain in, cum out with the straw, and y

sniss, gen'rally speakin, and whenever any enterprisin countryman of mine cums over here to scoop up a Briton in the prize ring I'm allus excessively tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad fack has thus far been the case-my only sorrer bein' that t'other

m over here and snap and snarl 'bout this and that: I know one man who says it is a shame and a disgrace that St. Paul's Church isn't a older edifiss; he says it should be years and even ages older than it is; but I decline to hold myself

mnibus hosses, and I won't diskuss 'em. I've had quite enuff of 'em at home, thank you. I was at Birmingham t'other nigh

r from

t flasht over me. It was of that onprincipled taler

nd then he said, "And what is you

ackly know. Have y

sweepin' England like th

said, "let

, "Let us glance at hist'ry. It

ndeed?" I

; "it is only a little over

arkt, "let us go ou

ual beer. I'll not move from this

name, contains a elabrit description of my s

replied, "that I never heard of

sself a intelligent man, and thinks he orte

doubt; but there is those whose igrance is so dense and loathsum that they shouldn't be trustid

with a view of returni

nted to a first-class carriage, the sole ockepant of whic

I earnestly replied

dear

spectiv

mus

_____

I

ION AND OLI

mained mostly in his room, and whenever he did show hisself he walkt in a moody and morose manner in the garding, with his hed bowed down and his arms foldid across his brest. He reminded me sumwhat of the celebrated but onhappy "Mr. Hal

in this ere Ouse," said the landlord. "I look to you,

est hand, and told him to co

o him for a few minits, I found out who he was. Then returnin to

marsk from the hawty stranger's face, and dived into

your enrapterd soul drinks in the lorfty and noble sentences of the gifted artists, you can eat a biled mack'ril jest as comfor'bly as in your own house. I felt constrained, however, to tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me, and who was accompanied by a gin bottle, and a young infant-I felt constrained to

no! You was too good to be a infank, you was! You sli

he country to see me, I was such a sweet and intel'gent infant. The excitement was so intens, in fack, that a extra hotel was startid in the tow

ymible woman was really gettin furis, when I mollyfied her

d, "this surprisingly lively

sect is he, Si

ldhood's sunny hours with a smelt or a bloater, or some other drefful calamity. How surblime the tho't, my dear Madam, that this infant as you fondle on your knee on

o we left in the bar in a state of anxiety and perspire. Rubbin his hot

e

en'r

N

olon

N

Maj

a M

apti

is n

efte

even

e Green Lion, "you ar deceeved!

ot?" I

e shores goes to git his drafts casht, and he says that not one has arrived on these shores during the last 18 months as wasn

is. At length I murmured, "Alars! I fear it is t

he lan'lord; "you al

these spirit fellers-he is a Trans-Mejim, and when he slings himself into a trans-state he says the sperits of departed

well-is he dead?"

that Oliver

s extensiv acquaintans with the public house keepers along the road, and the hall was some two miles distant, but we got there at last

their gettin there in the course of a week or two, which he said was a beautiful idear, and much quicker than by steamer or

ful! What a surblime thing it is," et cetry, et cetry. Among the females was one who was a fair and rosy young woman. She sot on the same seat we did, and the lan'lord of the Green

our-penny-worth of gin-cold

Silence! Shame! Put

ted Boar?" the lan'lo

f bore. Lis'en. Cromwell is goin' to s

Wall, I've suthin to say, also. Was

ever heard

gh, "but you think he was a man who would wish to

do

n me." Then risin to his feet he said, in somewha

ell!"

tonight, Mr. Crumbles," said the lan'lord, glarin' savigely round on the peple, "because if he don't there'll be a punched 'ed to be seen at the Green Lion, where I don't want no more of this everlast

gettin him out of the hall. The wimin was yellin and screaming, and the me

pleases them to think I'm the victim of a deloosion; and they always treat me perl

wl round. I should say, however, if pressed for a answer that they will prob'ly c

, fai

mus

_____

V

OMB OF S

e been lingerin by the Tomb

a su

ate to pronoun

e fit. If you think its publication will subswer

he didn't care where I went. "But," I said, "don't you know he was the greatest Poit that ever lived? Not one of these common poits, like that young idyit who writes

only answer she made was to ask me if I was g

e hundred (300) years. The peple of his native town are justly proud of him. They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell p

of that time because they say the fat man weighing 1000 pounds which I exhibited there was stuffed out with pillers and cushions, which he said one very hot day in July, "Oh bother, I can't stand this," and commenced pullin the pillers out from under his weskit, and heavin 'em at the audience. I never saw a man lose flesh so fast in my life. The audience said I was a pretty man to come

.R.H.;" and I said to the man, "Squire, excuse me, but this is too much. I have seen in London four hundred boot and shoe shops by Appintment: H.R.H.; and now you're at it. It is simply onpossible that the Prince can wear 400 pairs

dealers in all sorts of articles was By Appintment. I said, "Oh, hadn't I?" Then a sudden thought flasht ov

said, "N

rince gets out of sight, rushes frantically and has a tin sign p

hopman's honest hand, I started for the Tomb of Shakspe

ratford, beside a Tombstone, "this marks the spot where lie

d a man-a worthy villager: "Shaks

put the shillin I'd given him onto his left eye in a inglori

fter talking to him a spell in a

sons there when I entered was a fine bluff old gentleman who w

n last Monday in Piccadilly without a umbreller! I said then, as I say now, any young man as venturs out in a uncertain climit like this witho

lder, and I said: "You're right! You'

a indignant voice, said, "Go way-g

ent on. But he was right about the umbreller. I'm really delighted with this grand old country, "Mr. Punch," but you must admit that it does

they are agreed on in regard to him, except that his mantle hasn't fallen onto any poet or dramatist hard enough to hurt said poet or dramatist much. And

so young and inexperunced, set peple to thinkin there might be somethin in this lad. He subsequently wrote "Hamlet" and "George Barnwell." When his kind teach

like a eagle, and soar and the soarer you get

now about Shakspeare, better ge

couple, they asked me if I could direct them t

was onsuccessful as a l

said the young man,

ng, by the way, for a old farmer in Pennsylvany to wake up some mornin' and find ile squirtin all around his back yard. He sells out for 'normous price, and his chi

of the great S. must go there once certinly; and to say one isn't a admirer of him,

pel. No man has a right to be a lit'rary man onless he knows how to spel. It is a pi

is more mightier than the sword, but which I'm fraid w

o!

mus

_____

DUCED AT

he Commercial relations between Great Brita

keep the two countries friendly to'

I can't see that a single speech w

t no, I'd rather no

, and when he arrove home he found under a few deloosiv layers of sass nothin but sawdust. I should have instintly gone into the City and called a meetin of the leadin commercial men to condemn and repudiate, as a American, this gro

these things, but to me the

made the clergyman as united him a present of my father's new overcoat, and when my father on discoverin' it got in a rage and denounced him, Uncle Wilyim said the old man (meanin my parent) hadn't any idee of first cla

a very cle

a very clever

land of despitism to a land of freedim, where they could not only en

e, we are a ver

hers wouldn't do. They carrid the observer too far back into the dim vister of the past, and I gave 'em to a Orfun Asylum. The close I wear now I bo't of Mr. Moses, in the Commercial Ro

re, only mind-be sure you sell t

ays see there at certain hours in the afternoon, who don't spile their beauty by devourin cakes and sugar things, as too many of the American and French l

who stood waitin by the swell-coaches (not one of whom howled with angwish), I was accoste

e of those black, shiny garments, which you can always tell h

It was at the stormin of Sebastopol, where I

scaped a fatal wound by not bein there.

fell. It came do

who brought her down," I a

in America, Upper Canada, Africa, Asia Minor, and other tow

d, "let us to the

as determined to pay, so I said, "Mr. Bach

me arrove, when the agreeable gentleman insisted that I should

soot me. If the gods wanted to have

d we had froots from Greenland's icy mountins and Injy's coral strands; and when the sumptoous reparst w

said, "it was a fea

s; tho' I in'ardly wished the gods, as the di

a very cle

, I will show you our Club. It dates ba

long to it?"

di

er endorsement as to its respectfulness, and I'll go wi

ss. He said it was agin the rools of the club. In fack, if any member appeared there in evenin dress he'd be instantly expeld. "And yit,"

they was a shaky-looking lot, and the public house

ed round me, and s

ermit me," and he took it out of my neckercher. "Isn't it lu

on very special occasions. I see that beautiful boosum pin a parsin from one Slosher to another,

, who no sooner sees me than sh

arst! My Wilyim

a voice in my heart didn't whisper Seu-zan! I've belayed the marlin-spikes on the upper jibpoo

zin me round the neck. "Oh, how I'

rtunity of lookin backwards to it, because I

ome of a very clever family.

the eccentric female's claws, "where is the Capting-the man wh

illin!" he screamed, "and you're the serpent I took to my boosum, and borrowed money of,

contained my pocket-book, and it parsed away like the bres

night when I reac

up to larks!" said the lan'lord, larfin l

! Much as I respect you and your excellent faml'y, I

our spirits, friend

viper who was into the Crimea. What good was it," I cried, "for

d. I come of a ve

mus

_____

I

WER OF

wer is very pop'lar with peple from the agricultooral districks, and it w

firm basis. In the entire history of firm basisi

said a man in the crowd, who had

vements, and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America, oh my onh

ile, and we all purchist ticke

ced little man, in black c

as to ho

peple have been killed within these gloo

trooly orful; but I can't sob for those who died four or five hundred years ago. If they was my own relations I couldn't. It's absurd to shed sobs over things which occurd during

ings. The Trater's Gate is wide enuff to admit about twenty trater's abrest, I shou

t, they wouldn't be traters. They conspire to bust up a country-they fail,

r of the basist dye, and if he'd failed, he would have been hung on a sour apple tree. But Mr. G. succeeded, and became great. He was slewd by Col. Richmond, but he lives in

onto a foamin steed, his right hand graspi

th such a excellent precision that I almost sigh'd to be a Injun, when I was in the Rocky Mountain regin. They are a pleasant lot them Injuns. Mr. Cooper and Dr. Catlin have told us of the red man's wonerful eloquence, and I found it so. Our party was stopt on the plains of Utah by a band of Shoshones, whose chief said: "

thropists bewailin the fack that every year "carries the noble red man nearer the settin sun," I simply have to say I'm glad of it, tho' it is rough on the s

associated Elizabeth with the Spanish Armady. She's mixed up with it at the Surry Theatre, where "Troo to the Core" is bein acted, and in which a full bally core is introjooced on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, givin the audiens the idee that he inten

crooil peple the Spaniards was in them days-which elissited from a bright eyed little girl of about twelve summers the remark that she tho't it was rich to talk abo

htness that I could have kissed the dear chi

rop a tear afore we started to go round, fling'd such quantities of sassige into his mouth, that I expected to see him choke hisself to

ce. You shouldn't eat sassige in public without so

d, "I mean t

I was so pleased with the Queen's Crown, that it occurd to me what a agree'ble surprise it would be to send a sim'lar one home to my wife; and I asked the Warder what was the vally of a go

nd commandin edifis, but I deny that it

y driver of a four-wheeler that I ever saw. He

.'s more," I said, "

one time tho't I'd drive you into the Thames. I've been readin in all the daily papers to try and understa

ly find him in case I should want him agin, and bad him good

ctabl

mus

_____

I

ND NATURA

inted in not receivin a invitation to jine i

see how they g

ns of the Sciencers to excloo

im Homer dead, thro' which the livin Mr. Homer couldn't have got trust

omin and perlitly shuttin the door for me, and then extendin his open hand to'ards me, in the most frenly manner possible. Does he not, by this simple yit tuchin gesture, welcum me to England? Doesn't he? Oh yes-I guess he doesn't he. And it's quite right among two great countries which speak the same langw

der age I writ a Essy for a lit'ry Institoot entitled, "Is Cats to be Trusted?" Of the merits of that Essy it doesn't becum me to speak, but I may be excoos'd for mentionin that the Institoot parsed

graceful and ellygant stile of composition. I could not even punctooate my sentences proper at that time, and I observe with pane, on lookin over this effort of my yooth, that it

, if I may suggest-omit all picturs in next week's "Punch," and do not let your contributors write enything whatever (let them have a holiday; they can go

proceedins. I think it would have finished them. I understand animals better than any other class of human creatures. I have a very animal m

exhibitin him I used to stir him up in his cage with a protracted pole, and for the purpuss of making him yell and kick up in a leopardy manner, I used to casionally whack him over the head. This would make the children inside the booth scream with frig

a remonstrance from a tall gentleman in spectacles, who said, "M

a club," I anserd, hit

, and see the effeck of kindness. I understand the

in his face in between the iron bars, he sai

nd seized the gentleman by the whiskers, which he

ave you indicted for exhibitin

at hasn't a beautiful moral, but you mustn't fondle

e wrote a article for a paper, in which he

ey had business in Washington which ought not to be neglected, and they all started for that beautiful and romantic city, maintaining a rate of speed durin the entire distance that would have done credit to the celebrated French steed "Gladiateur." Very nat'rally our Gov'ment was deeply grieved at this defeat; and I said to my Bear, shortly after, as I was givin a exhibition

fondness for his Master: in which I'd lay down on a piece of carpeting, and the Bear would come and lay down beside me, restin his right paw on my breast,

n of the Bear for his Master," I repeated. "You see the Monarch of the Western Wilds in a subjugated state. Fierce as these animals naturally are, we now see that they have hearts and can love. This Bear, the largest in the world, and measurin seventeen feet round the body, loves me as a mer-ther loves her che-ild!"

of the Bear!

iolent death the next day, by bein in the way when

ote for the Social Science Meetins. It

t I must n

stone will cling inflexibly to those great fundamental principles, which they understand far better than I do, and I will add that I do not understan

spectiv

mus

_____

I

THE BRITI

y last week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing rains, when all at once the Sun bust out and actooally shone for nearly half an hour steady. I acted promptly. I called a cab and told the driver to run his hoss at a friteful rate of speed to

foregoin i

er. Thus I've derived considerable peace and comfort from them noble edifisses, and I hope they will long continner to grace your metroplis. There's my fren Col. Larkins, from Wisconsin, who I regret to say understands the Jamaica question, and wants to talk with me about it; I sent him to the Tower four days ago, and he hasn't got throogh with it yit. He likes it very much, and he writes me that he can't never thank me sufficient for directin him to so interestin a bildin. I writ him not to mention it. The

which I went to the Mooseum I lit a pipe, and callin a cab, I told the driver to take me there as quick as his Arabian charger could go. The driver was under the inflooence of beer and narrerly escaped runnin over a aged female in the match trade

called another cab, but said noth

nt free show for the people. It is

ds of vegetables, such as carrots, turnips, etc, and drawn by a spirited jackass-he

enthoosiastic remarks, for a man with a gold band on his hat said, in a hash voice, that I must stop pokin the walls. I told him I would do so by all means. "You see," I said, tak

ks, which was made in a goakin spirit,

a giraffe, on account of the long distance from his mouth to his stummuck. Hence, if he loved beer, one mugful would give him as much enjoyment while goin down, as forty mugfuls would ordinary persons. And he wouldn't get intoxicated, which is a beastly way of amusin oneself, I must say. I like a little beer now and then, and when

hen jugs and pots stuck up on shelves, and all "of a uncertin date," I'm at a loss to 'zackly determin whether they are a thousand years old or was bought recent. I can cry like a child over a jug one thousand years of age, especially if it is

little 'fraid I shan't get in there. Seein a elderly gentleman, with a beneverlent-lookin face near by, I venturd to ask him if he would certify that I was respectable

to my application, "you have done i

you go to press, so you can denounce him in

miration. At home, in the beautiful rural districks where the daisy sweetly blooms, he would be swearin in a horrible man

ould stand the expens of a marble bust of myself,

hat this is a dooty

a bust of me, altho' he venturd to think that if I paid for one myself it would be accepted cheerfully by Madam Tussaud,

muffin, but I did not feel called on to remostrate with him, any more than I did with two young persons of diff'rent sexes who had retired behind the Rynosserhoss to squeeze each other's hands. In fack, I rayther approved of the latter proceedin, for it carrid me back to the sunny spring

ly y

mus

TEMUS WARD'

ELIVERED AT EGYPT

_____

E BY MELVILL

Mormon lectures were immensely successful in England. His fame became the talk of journalists, savants, and statesmen. Every one seemed to be affected differently, but every one felt and acknowledged his power. "The Honorable Robert Lowe," says Mr. E.P. HINGSTON,

s or meteors, but they always came just in the place that one least expected to find them. Half the enjoyment of the evening lay, to some of those present, in listening to the hearty cachinnation of the people, who only found out the jokes some two or three minutes after they were made, and who laughed appar

lived through the following London fashionable season, there is little doubt that the room at the Egyptian Hall would have been thronged nightly. The English aristocracy have a fine, delicate sense of humor, and the success, artistic and pecuniary, of "Artemus Ward" would have rivalled that of the famous "Lord Dundreary." There were many stupid people who did not understand the "fun" of Artemus Ward's books. There were many stupid people who did not understand the fun of Artemus Ward's lecture on the Mormons. Highly respectable people-the pride of their parish-when they heard of a lecture "upon the Mormons," expected to see a solemn person, full of old saws and new statistics, who would denounce the sin of polygamy,-and rave without limit against Mormons. These

ologetically, "I am very fond of looking at my pictures." His dress was always the same-evening toilet. His manners were polished, and his voice gentle and hesitating. Many who had read of the man who spelled

lm. His first lecture in London was delivered at Egyptian Hall, on Tuesday, November 13th, 1866. The room used was that which had been occupied by Mr. Arthur Sketchley,

esitatingly before the audience, and rubbin

_____

TIAN HAL

, ladies and gentlemen,

-and Utah-and the Plains-and the Rocky Mountains-wit

t that if I could make money enough to by me a passage t

gate- or here. But I wish when the Egyptians built t

free in New Zealand-if you will come to me there for the orders. Any respectabl

to see the world and to exhibit my clothes. These

ung men! I should like to be ruined

ve a passion for pictures-I have had a great many pictures-photographs taken of myself. Some of them are very

of raw turnips over a wooden bridge.-The people of the village noticed me. I drew their att

y. You may possibly have noticed that Tim

ave always been more or less mixed up with Art. I have an uncle who takes

have flooded the market with my busts-and I couldn't stand it to see everybody going round with a bust of me. Everybody would want one of course-and wherever I should go I should m

dramatic Art-although

of Pompeii."-I played the Ruins. It was not a very successful performance-but i

of my youth?"-I assure you this is not a conundrum.-Som

-"Where are the girls of my youth?" S

equently do. I hope she is happy-because I am.*

never failed to use it in his "Babes in the Wood" lecture, and

he went away. Some time after he returned with more tears. He said he must leave me for ever. I ventured to remind him of the 200 pounds he borrowed. He was much cut up. I thought I would not b

ays rather more succes

osity. It is a long voyage-as you know-from New York to Melbourne-and to my utter surprise the skeleton had no sooner got out to sea than he commenced eating in the most horrible manner. He had never been on the ocean before-and he said it agreed with him.-I thought so!-I n

California-another very long sea voyage-and when I g

but one of the principal features of my Entertainment is that i

very good-so far as it goes. I give my p

t a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are th

er my window and sang-"Come where my love lies dreami

ck it into other people's business-for fear it would stay there-and I should never get it again. And on those dismal days a Mormon lady-she was married-tho' not so much so as her husb

man I ever met.-He kept a hotel. They have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember one where they gave me a bag of oats for a p

-their customs-and while the pictures I shall present to your notice are by no means works of art-they are painted from photographs actually taken on

fornia on the

he steame

d when you go to California be sure and go on some o

by the ship's porters in a manner at once damaging and idiotic.-So great was the excitement-my fragile form was smashed this way-and jammed that way-till

eautiful. They all have brilliant black hair-hair "black as starless night"-if I may quote from the "Family Herald". It don't curl.-A Mexican lad

ntil we had crossed the Rocky Mountains and arrived at Denver City, the capital of Colorado. On the afternoon he was to lecture there I met him coming out of an ironmonger's store with a small parcel in his hand. "I want you, old fellow," he said; "I have been all around the city for them, and I've got them at last." "Got what?" I asked. "A pair of cur

n the population of San Francisco-

at the hero's birth, it is cheerfully conducted fr

ay at the expiration of 215 verses. There were 11,000 verses to this song-the chorus being "Tural lural dural, ri fol day"-which was repeated twic

the bright new

oduce over twenty-five millions of solid silver. This silver is melted into solid bricks-about the size of or

f this place are the Reese River Silver Mines-wh

my always. No trees-no houses-no people-save the miserable beings who live in wr

ne in petroleum. It is by the Old Masters. It was the last th

o it-so you could see it better. I wish I could take it to your residences and let you see it by daylight. Some of the greatest artists in London com

o enthusiastic in their admiration of this picture that they call

e city in the Desert about which so much has been he

nd I have thought it better to make the purely descriptive part of my Entertainment e

rnwall have contributed largely to the population of Utah during the last few years. The population of Great Salt Lake City is 20,000.-The streets are eight rods wide-and are neither flagged nor paved. A stream of pure mountain spring water courses through each street-and is conducted into the Gardens of the Mormons. The houses are mostly of adobe-or sun-dried brick-a

f the outer world Gentiles. They say that Mr. Brigham Young is a prophet-the legitimate successor of Joseph Smith-who founded the Morm

of course inform you-but you will bear in mind that I am here as a rather cheerful reporter of what I saw in Utah-an

ew persons of education-of positive cultivation. As a class the Mormons are not educated peopl

ve coal-lead-and silver mines. All they eat-all they drink-all they wear they can produce themselves-and still have

ver 45. He has sandy hair and whiskers-is of medium height-and is a little inclined to corpulency. He was born in the State of Vermont. His power is more absolute than that of any living sovereign

ese funds-at all events-he is one of the wealthiest men now living-worth several millions-without doubt.-He is a bold-bad man-but that he is also a man of extraordinary administrative

orse liquor than any other kind of hotels. But the Salt Lake Hotel sells none-nor is there a bar in all Salt Lake City-but I found when I was thirsty-and I g

n." Throughout the city there was no drinking-bar nor billiard room, so far as I am aware. But a drink on the sly could always be had at one of the hard-goods stores, in the back office behind the pile of metal saucepans; or at one of the dry-goods stores, in the little parlor in the rear of the bales of calico. At the

d for the past ten days and ten nights.-Those of you who have been in Newgate* ----------

commencement of the sentence was spoken as if unpremeditated; then when he had got as far as the word "Newg

red miles-but you go part of the way by rail. The Pacific Railway is now completed from Sacramento-California-to Fulsom-California-whi

ably hold 3,000 persons-and I beg you will believe me when I inform you

n amateurs, who charge n

n at the doors of this theatre. The Mormons

-among my receipts were corn-flour-pork-

the Box Office-but my agent repulsed him. One offered me a doll for admission-a

h his hat on-sits Brigham Young. When the play drag

of Brigham Young. From ten to twenty of them are usually

eets there. It is like all legislative bodies. They meet this winter to repeal the laws which they met an

ol of whales-and there's where I learned to spout.-I don't expect applause for a little thing like that. I wish you could have heard that speech-however. If Cicero-he's dead now-he has gone from us-but if old Ciss* could have heard that effort it would have given him the rinderpest. I'll tell you how it was. There are stationed in Utah two regiments of U.S. troops-the

racterized the lecturer. His reference to Cicero was made in the most lugubrious manne

Young's office-and where he receives his visitors.-The large house in the centre of the picture-which displays a huge bee-hive-is called the Bee House-the bee-hive is supposed to be symbolical of the industry of the

ves, and he is spiritually married to one hundred and twenty more. These spiritual marriages-as the Mormons call them-a

wisely-but two hundred well. He is dreadfully marri

y there is of her-but it's a good deal. It strikes me that one mother-in-la

t he shouldn't get married any more. He says that all he wants now is to live in peace for the remainder of his days-and have his dying pillow soothed by the

aks of the Merry Wives of Windsor. How many wive

, but during the day I rashly gave a leading Mormon an order admitting himself and family-It was before I knew th

ce-president of the Mormon church-and would- consequentl

mers-or some'ers thereabout. He has one thousand head of catt

he was absent from home-these ten wives went out walking with a handsome young man-which so enraged

inner parallelogram of his diaphragmatic thorax, superinducing membranous hemorrhage in th

ft m

rom "Saul." At other times, the Welsh air of "Poor Mary Anne;" or anything else replete

ng men. Mr. Kimball's son is now no more. He sleeps beneath the cypress-the myrtle-and the w

s were made to make a Mormo

Mormon-offered me their hearts and hands. I called on them one day-and taking their

s thus? What is the re

enteen sighs of diff

u wilt be go

I got ready to leave

-"Doth no

"I doth

s are honorable-as I am a lone chi

aid-"Wilt n

h-no-it c

arry them-and again I de

This is too muc

s on account of the mu

the Morm

omfortably. A full brass and string band often assists the choir

ct the services. I only heard Mr. Young once. He is not an educated man-but speaks with con

tions of t

built of hewn stone-and will cover several acres of ground. They say it shall eclipse in

tect of this contemplated gorgeous affair rep

le as it

lested-I think they will complet

he great salt dead

y miles long. Solid masses of salt are daily washed ashore in immense heaps-and the Mormon in want of salt has only t

about this lake-however-that I have my doubts about. They say a Mormon farmer dr

*

*

*

*

*

e my absence-I am a man short-a

ing on the waters. It was produced in the usual dioramic way, by making the track of the moon transparent and throwing the moon on from the bull's eye of the lantern. When Artemus went behind, the moon would become nervous an

ry to any respectable boy of good parent

dowmen

mon is initiated into th

hich are held in this building-but I have no

d to have crossed the summit of the Wahsatch Mountains. These ochre-colored bluffs-formed of conglome

i and the Sierra Nevada. The red wall to the left develops farther up the Canyon into pyramids-bu

ke impregnable against the advance of the American army-led by General Albert Sidney Johnson. It was to ha

rful view o

n air and covering them with valuable furs-that is a very fair representation of these mid-air tombs. Those animals are horses-I know they are-because my artist says so. I h

of Ute Indians. They were splendidly mounted-they were dressed i

attle of Bull's Run I stood in the highway while the bullets-those dreadful messengers

f his lectures, nor did it lose its power to create laughter by repetition. The audiences at the Egyptian Hall,

Injuns-there were forty of them

rrender." His nam

eye. Wocky-bocky came very close to me and seized me by the hair of my head. He mingled his swarthy f

darrah mishk

im he wa

s tomahawk across my face,

I-"Wocky-I have thought so for

the tent of the Strong

raw dog to give them courage previous to going to battle. Artemus was greatly amused with the information. When, in after years, he became

g was all they proposed to give to me-I had to eat it or starve. So at the expiration of two days I seized a tin p

forest, the pale-f

paused too long! Which reminds me th

e was rich. He had diamonds on. As I seized him-he knocked me down. Since

cky Mo

e all love dearly to talk about them. It is a kind of weakness with us. I never knew but one American who hadn't someth

ll the year round-are too grand to make fun of. I crossed th

alluded to by Mr. Longfellow in his Indian po

ins of

y days. An affecting incident occurred on these plains some tim

ne morning-some s

loud till the

*

*

*

*

*

ted on Regina

ano playing loudly all the time. He continued his narration in excited dumb-show-his lips movi

e wildest and grandest sights

the prairie in a manner frightful to behold. They usually burn better than mine is burning to-night. I try

give the effect of the prairie on fire. Artemus enjoyed the joke of letti

is table are in a very tangled condition. He is more a father than any man I know. When at home-as you here see him-he ought to be very happy wi

dependent upon the life of Brigham Young. His administrative ability holds the system together-his power of will maintains it as the faith of a community. When he dies-Mormonis

It is a long one already. Like mine

E

the 23d of January 1867. Artemus Ward had to break

_____________

F EGYPTIAN

AT EGYPTIAN H

_____________

ring the Entertainment; the Audience better leave their money, however, with MR. WARD; he wi

______

Mr. Ward's Narrative is rather

______

sponsible for any debts

______

b

E Of ARTE

When quiet has been restored, the Lecturer will present a rather frisky prologue, of about ten

I

ARTEMUS WARD shall go. "Bless you, Sir!" they say. "Don't hurry about coming back. Stay away for years, if you want to!" It was very touching. Disgraceful treatm

I

AND O

es. "The Orphan Cabman, or the Mule Driver's Step-Father." The

V

ND Of

instances on record of young men going to this place without a shilling-poor and friendless-yet by energy, int

T DESERT

however. Indians occupy yonder mountains. Little In

I

IEW OF GREAT S

tirely descr

I

REET, E

on Temperance principles. The landlord

I

RMON T

g only one Pauline in it. The play was revised at once. It was presented the next night, with fifteen Paulines in the cas

X

REET, W

West side, it is naturally a vie

YOUNG'

er particulars call on Mr. WARD, at Egyptian Hall, any Evening this

I

KIMBALL

re the pleasant remarks a

______

ION OF FI

______

I

ABERN

I

MPLE A

I

LE AS IT

V

EAT SA

V

DOWMEN

es of his faith here. The Mormon's relig

V

CAN

II

ESERT

ht have been seen" in the distance, if the Artist had painted 'em. But he

I

OUNG AND

ls of Utah mos

X

CKY MO

X

INS OF

X

AIRIE

______

MENDA

Oct. 20

RTEMU

once. She gained strength so rapidly that she lifted the cottage piano quite a distance from the floor, and then tipped it over on to her mother-in-law, with whom she had some little trouble. We like your lectures very mu

m,

y, and so

PRIN

______

guished journal in Yorkshire thus spe

aving the room and not returning; others crying like a child at some of the jokes-all, all formed a most impressive scene, and showed the pow

lf-past Seven, c

at Half-p

ING EXCEPT

AFTERNOON

_____________

THE DODWORT

_____________

ntrodu

eamer Ariel

an Fra

ashoe Silv

The P

City of

Mormo

ham Young

e Counc

Home of Br

C. Kimball

ormon House

tions of the

View of the Temp

at Dead Sea o

House of

The

d-Air Se

mily Party at B

rm no idea of the quantity of unfettered genius that is soaring, like a healthy Eagle, round th

................................

reasury...........

ignor Thomas

fessor of Carpentry........

...................................

..................................

.................................

...............................

..................................

................................

....................................

.................................

......................By a Pol

.................................

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music. The soldiers' Chorus from

preamble, calculated to show what

s in the distance.-Isthmus of Panama.-Interesting interview with Old P

-Miners allowed to vote. Old inhabitants so ric

.-Playful population, fond of high-low-jack and homicide.-

ty thousand miles above the level of the highest sea (Musiani's chest C includ

e Plain, but wrongly; the women are quite

from the Indians.-Temperance house.-No bar nearer than Salt Lake sand-bars.-

ls, and had rather go to the Playhouse than to the Workhouse, any t

ion of Fi

ture.-About as fair a collection as that at

-Two hundred souls with but a single thou

Queens of Heber.-No relatives of the Queen

and the women espouse Brother Brigham and his Elder

ealthy little job.-Temple to enclose all ou

han Dodworth Hall.-one of the figures in the foreground is intended for Heber C. Kimball.-You

saline to sail in.-Mariners rocked on the bosom of this

erious ceremonies.-Anybody can easily find out all abou

Artemus Ward went through, he heard the echoes of some thi

e high shelf was killed in a Fratricidal Struggle.-They are always having Fratricidal Struggle

his wives-Those ladies are s

im, often, at his fine new house in Brooklyn. His house is on the right hand side as you cross the Fe

eld will be admitted to t

and Herbs. They are an intemperate people. They

delivered L

OWNED HEAD

of deliveri

CTS. RESERVE

P.M.; Entertainme

______

MUS

T V

______

E OF THE

the starnch canawl bote, Polly Ann, which happened to the subscriber when I was a young man

n the bote for to lurch vilently and knockin me orf from my pins. (Sailor frase.) Sevral passenjers on bored. Parst threw deliteful country. Honest farm

15 minits p

ber of the Injianny legislater, which he urbanely insisted on allowin me to pay for. Bote tear

le

s glass (a empty black bottle, with the botto

to the starbud,"

the capting. "What

Terry Hawt, and

arft hoss, splice your main jib-boom, and ha

kes?" said the cap

e pork nor any man of his heft on the

the Court 'us whar old Judge Perkins was a holdin Court, and let drive his rifle at him. The bullet didn't hit the Judge at all; it only jes whizzed parst his left ear, lodgin in the wall behind him; but what

the bottle to his lips. The wessels parted. No other inciden

d hoss's tale. "Heave two!" roared the capting to the man at the rudder, as the Polly giv a friteful toss. I was sick, an sorry I'd cum.

cottages, Institoots of learnin and other evijences of civillizashun, incloodin a party of bald heded cullered men was playing 3 card monty on the stoop of the Red Eagle tavern. All, all was food for my 2 poetic sole. I went below to breakfast,

is eyes bein swelled up orful, and his nose very much out of jint. He was bro't aboard on a shutter by his crue, and deposited on the cabin floor, the passenjers all risin up in their births pushing the red curtains aside & lookin o

r some time. But I made it lively for the boys, deacon! Bet yer life!" He larfed a short, wild larf, and called for his

foaled. This was be4 steembotes was goin round bustin their bilers & sendin peple higher nor a kite.

of me

amin on

eck

.

______

I

IN RE-OR

gunize my wife but onct. I

hin to maik 'em as Ro-Bust as posserble, I continner'd drinkin thur healths until mi Own becum afflicktid. Conse

he mornin, I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud voyce I said, "Betsy, you need re-Orgunizin! I have cum

* *

a hosswhip over me sevril conseckootive

and ef I ever have anuther re-Orgun

______

ARD'S AUT

Fifth Avenoo Ho

OF PL

my Bogfry for the papers, cum dooly to hand. I hav no doubt that a article onto my life, grammat

small canvas tent and a pea-green ox, which he rubbed it off while scrachin hisself agin the center pole, causin in Rahway, N.Y.

round towns in the day time to excite simpathy drank freely of spiritoous licker unbeknowns to me one day, & while under their infl

diter, kinder smooth em over. Speak

parts. But it appeared I had shown the same figger for a Pirut named Gibbs in that town the previs season, which created a intense toomult, & the audience remarked "shame onto me," & other statements of the same similarness. I tried to mollify em. I told 'em that any family possessin children might have my she tiger to play with half a day, & I wouldn't charge 'em a cent, but alars! it was of no avail. I was forced to leave, & I infer from a article in the "Advertiser" of that town, in which the Editer says, "Atho' time has silv

icle that a prejudiss still

by lettin myself to Sabbath School picnics to sing ballads adapted to the understandins of little children, accompanyi

p-set em

middle of a t

nd emotions, where was their home and where was their Pa? and I said, Be quiet, dear children, I am your Pa, which made a young woman with two twins by her side say very a

k of this. Let it be

iter, please tell him w

cism. Tell the public, in a candid and graceful article, that my Show abounds in mor

e of myself excloos

ours and say, "How bright that little face looks! How much it nose!" The young ladies would carry me round in their arms, sayin I was muzze

moral character. I was never

ear. I luv my children, and never mistake another man's wife for my own. I'm not a member of any meetin house, but firmly bel'eve in meetin houses, a

ous, altho' I don't owe

a Presbyterian. I may add that I

arf. He jined the Church last spring, and the minister said, "You must go home now, Brothern Billins, and erect a family altar in your own

ss scythe, is ever busy. The Old Sexton gathers th

of anything mo

lease have me ingraved in a languishin attitood, learnin on a

mus

______

SERE

nd reported all quiet on the Wabash. The "Lucy Ann" has adopted a new style of Binnakl

that if he could induce the citizens of Philadelphy to believe it would be a good idea to have white winder-shutters on their houses a

same way, so I made arrangements accordin. I asked the Brass Band how much they'd take to take me entirely by su

tion. It was, if I may say it without egitism, a manly effort; but, alars! I never delivered it, as the sekel will show you. I paced up and down the kit

sing it about fourteen times, "bec

from the manuscrip-"Betsy, on the night of this here serenade, I desires you to ap

a lily-white bucket of bilin hot water, and somebody wil

about it in my mind. But for fear s

ortico. A brief glance showed me that the assemblage was summut mixed. There was a great many ragged boys, and there was quite a number of grown-up persons evigently under the affluence of the intoxicatin bole. The B

s,-For this one

u give us our money now, or

isgustin interruption

xpected honor,

said you'd give us seven doll

tice him, but res

en I look at this crowd of tru

AZEY.-"S

.-"We a

eart s

ee cheers for

I hope we shall again resume our former prou

Will you join me, fellow-citizens, in a glorious career? What wa

ernly, "you are drunk. You

ss on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on toast, or a horse and wagon ro

n't to be some wittles afore the concern broke up? I didn't exactly know what to do, and was just on the point of doin it, when a upp

among other arrangements, have a respectful company on han

______

S "ARRAH-

ur paper in regards to the new Irish dra

96 years of age, but his mind was very clear. He told me I looked like George Washington. He said I had a massiv intellect. Your grandfather was a highly-intelligent man, and I made up my mind t

res your respectability at once. It

bcum of Nib.) I couldn't see much of a garding, however, and it struck me if Mr. Wheatley depended on it as regards ra

seats. "Don't git up for me," I sed. One of the prettiest young men I ever saw in my life showed me into a seat

nance wa

w, that the Finnigan Brothe

t cum with it-but this is a ticklish subjeck for me. I larfed at my wife's waterfall, which indoosed that superior woman to take it off and heave

asked the Usher to nudge me when

didn't act during the entire evenin. I reckin

evenin likewise. I meet'm every mornin, at five o'clock, going to their work wit

McHouse. They writ it well. O'Bourcy has writ a cart

ty who can rite better plays than O'Bourcy does, but somehow t

which fond mothers fell into swoons and children cride to go home because fearin the Bear would leave his jungle and tear them from limb to limb), and then excoosed hims

Irish actors than he is, but somhow I'm allus out of town wh

-Glendalo

en wit

the year of your

goin to leave the land of his nativity for a tower in France. Previsly to doin so he picks the pockit of Mr. Mi

gov'ment; and just as the gov'ment goes agin him she goes for him. This is nat'ral, but not grateful. She se

any other way,

osic by

st. Mac then alters his mind about goin over to France, and thinks he'll go up-stairs and lie down in the straw. This is in A

f Shaun and A

of the Gin." Ha, what is this? Soldiers cum in. Moosic by the band. "Arrah," sez the Major, "you have those money." She sez, "Oh no, I g

conf

doosed from

jor. "Is it the coat of a young

o accoosed of havin a hansum young man hid in her house. But does this bold young Hibernian forsake her? N

quare to his bosom. It was bootiful to me, who love my wife, and believe in her, and would put on my meetin clothes and go to the gallus for her cheerfully, ruther than believe she was capable of taking anybody's mo

uct of Shaun that I hollered ou

" sum peo

ith all his new clothes on, and in company with

ce, "whose store do you sell tape in? I

he sympathizes with Shaun, and twits Feeny, the Gov'ment witness, with being a knock-kneed thief, &c.

and gets out. Struggles with ivy and things on the outside of the jail, and finally reaches her just as Mr. Feeny is about to dash a large woode

ain

ne of a splendid play. Go

W

______

RD AMONG T

e, Apr

d. They met into the Town Hall, and by the kind invite of my naber, Mr. Mulrooney O'S

win to my own improodens. Not feelin like eating a full meal when the cars stopt for dinner, in the South

ime of life. I've heard of men's livers gradooally wastin' away till they

jum. I got a letter from a cel'brated Injin chief, who writ me, accordin to the mejum, that he'd been ded two hundred and seventeen (217) years, and liked it. He then said, let the Pale face drink sum yarb t

reful nussin, I'

citizens, and the enthusiasm was immense. They c

for Ward

in a pleasant voice, "All right, boys, all rig

eceived with great applaus,

er, who desires the Irish vote for

drivin at, don't

tain

"I'm very glad you

and they said, "Walk up onto

quantity of funds should be raised. And, like the gen'rous souls as they was, funs was lib'rally contribooted. Then arose a excitin discussion as to which head

hom we should be glad to hear. It would fill our harts with speechless joy to hear from a

slow, Finn

Finnigan, moderatin his stile sum

it wan't no use. I rose amid

own hart, every one of us there, both grate and small had an impulse flowin in his boosum, "and consequentially," I added, we "will

red in a loathsum dunjin in Dublin, placed there by a English tarvern-keeper, who despotically wanted him to pay for a quantity of chops and beer he had cons

p of good licker has passe

, here now, t

y lips in all that time. I don't let it pass 'em. I reach for

for the remark; you are sober; but

during the entire evenin. What is this grate meetin drivin at? Wh

n his name-who disturb'd my show in a certain town, two years ago, by makin remarks disrespectful of my animals, accompanied by a allosan to the front part of my hed, which, as you see, it is Bald-sayin,-says this young man, 'You sandpaper it too much, but you've got a beautiful

your naber and fren. I know YOU

hem rip-roarin orators in New York, who've bin tearin r

other wants to sail direck for Dublin Bay, where young McRoy and his fair young bride went down and was drownded, accordin to a ballad I onct heard. But there's one pint on which both sides agree-that's the Funs. T

t and enterprisin deputy Centre. He was sittin at a table, eatin a canvas-back duck. Poultry of that kind, as you

u, Mr. McFad

land! Will a troo history of your sufferins ever be written? Must we be ever grou

are bottle of that green seal in the house, I wouldn't mi

le soup, fir

into it,' I said to the waiter. 'It will remind me of my childhood days, when we had 'em baked in conjunction with

ony wing. I've no doubt that some ekally patriotic member of the Rober

't seen nothin BUT a Blow, so far-it's bin all blow, and the blowers in New York won't

eel any better, but don't you be the Green. Don't never

r votin. Then why this hulla-balloo about freein Ireland? You do your frens in Ireland a great injoory, too; because they b'lieve you're comin sure enuff, and

might be; and they know'd too, that there was no peple on arth whose generosity and gallantry I had a higher

Mr. Ward, your mind is failin. Your intellect totters! You are only about sixty yea

ck, which caused that corpulent magistrate to fall vilently off the stage into the fiddlers' box,

oom; it gleamed for I! All was still. The sweet silver moon was a shinin bright, and the beautiful stars was up to their usual doins! I felt a se

Bessy,

eet g

p, fai

touch

, and a form robed in spotless white exclaimed, "Cum into the house, yo

nd female-Gauls and Gaulusses-and then he sold another million of 'em into slavery. He continnered this cheerful stile of thing for sum time, when one day he was 'sassinated in Rome by sum high-toned Roman gen'lmen, led on by Mr. Brutus. When old Bruty in

nd so," I said, "thou has

nore was my

Y SL

mus

______

ARD IN WA

erminated its career during the late war. Some of the allusions are, of course, to matters long pa

n, April

the lookin-glass, a

oin, Betsy?

back hair,"

"Betsy, you're too old to think a

heded idiot! You ain't got hair enuff onto your hed t

ed. Hens4th I shall let my wife'

o, that she twists pieces of paper round her hair at nights, and won't let me put my arms round her any more for fair I'll muss he

ittle dawter, "she

female Young America muc

ington, from whither I now write you, hopin the iterms I hereby sends will be exceptab

mantic pashun for gratooitous drinks. And in this conjunction I will relate an incident. I notist for several days a large Hearse standin in front of the principal tavern on Pennsylvany Avenoo. "C

o idee of the number of People who drink at our B

sa

. They own yonder four-wheeled startlin curiositys, which were used years and years ago by the fust settlers of Virginny to carry live hogs to market in. The best carriage I saw in the entire collection was used by Pockyhontas, sum two hundred years ago

himself, havin once owned a Raft of logs on the Connethycut river. So I pu

rvously, "but mercy on

let me sing about how J

why he could

he's drunk

he Secky, "but this is hardly the

"and I don't care a cuss who goes to the le

etown "Weekly Clarion" of February the 15, containin a report that ther

" sed I. "Is your liver a

, risin hastily and glarin wi

'ment that a Cabnet offisser can pack up his trunk and go home whenever he's sick.

ts me in mind of a little story. There was a man, out in our parts who was so mean that he took his wife's coffin out of the back winder f

Was it custom made? Wa

for what?"

umbre

interruption with apparent comtempt, "this man sed he'd known

hat has this man with the umbreller to do with the m

must have got two stories mixed togethe

been a honest and a good one-unscared and unmoved by Secesh in front of you and Abbol

. E. Stanton has appeerently only one weakness, which it is, he can't allus keep his under-garments from fly

, old sweetness!" sed Abe, sh

a year and found," I soliloquized, as I walked down the street, "is putty good wages f

ah? What the debb

n a elderly bald-hedded Afrikin to his home in Bates Alley. This distinguished Afrikin Brother had just returned from Ly

de the progress of t

t, by all mea

hey w

minent Revolutionary forefathers. I bo't 'em at auction, and got 'em cheap. They stand

always

W

______

SIDE THE F

sities to large and enthusiastic audiences. There are some eloquent men among the showmen. Some of them are Demosthenic. We looked around am

n and the little woman an

. Barnum-you've all hearn o' him. What did he say to me? Sez he to me, sez P.T. Barnum, 'Sir, you

ersons have seen this wonderful BEING this mornin, and they said as they come out, 'What can these 'ere things be? Is it alive? Doth it breathe and have a being? Ah yes,' they

the wild ma

hayries of the far distant West by sixteen Injuns. Don't fail to see this gerrate exhibition. Only fifteen cents. Don't go hum without seein the Stat

ual courtesies to editors. He said he did, and requested them to go in. While they were in some sly dog told him their nam

ditors, gentleMEN-Mr. --, of the Cleveland --, and Mr. --, of the Detroit -

itors' coat-tails could be seen whe

g contrivance. Seeing two policemen approach, he rapidly and i

ng Mud Turtle with nine heads and seventeen tails, captured in a well-fort

ious wret

an afford to give it away, as I have a twin brother seven years older than I am, in New York City, who steals it a great deal faster than I can give it away. No blanks, my friends-all prizes

l this with a perfect

g-tester," were there. Then there was the Flying Circus and any number of other ingenious cont

the loss of his watch, which had be

ad a very you-can't-fool-me look. "I've been to the State Fair before, I want yer to understan, and kno

ly around after a policeman. Somebody had adroitly relieved him of HIS money

ter; "by G-, I thought you was smart-I tho

smile soon crossed his face, and drawing the young

n my pocket-my MONEY is in my boot-they can't

______

GRO QU

ed and stern-looking females and a young and pretty female suddenly entere

d one of the females, a thin-faced and

d the lan'lord, in a puzzl

oppressed, t

o which?" said

e female, pintin her umbrel

arm, I

voice to a exceedin high pitch, "

said the lan'lord, hastily

cited female, addressing me

amily was the case of my brother John. He had the janders for sev'ral years, but they fina

man!" scream

fortable-looking negro. He looked as though he might heav

n-trodden man!"

on him?" I

ins! d

you come here tellin us niggers is our brothers, and brandishin your umbrel

son, "have you no sentiment-no poetry in your soul-no love for the beaut

n an angry voice, "but I'll bet you five poun

nued the female, "dost no

y to thou!" I humorously sung, casting

!" said female No. 1., in a violent voic

y the first train to-morrow to sit as a model to a celebrated artist who is about to sculp a statue to be called Sweet Innocence. Do

etch! Your mind is in a wusser beclouded state than the poor nergoes' we ar

a sparkl

come, an

l not come

he landlord, "if you'l

to the landlord, "you're a degraded

an'lord, drawin and drinkin a mug of beer. Having uttered whi

id to the negro, kindly

n States in America to preach to the vast numbers of negroes recently made

re starvin. I don't blame anybody for this, but it is a very sad fact. Some are really too ill to work, some can't get work to do, and others are too foolish to see any necessity for workin. I was down there last winter and I observed that this class had plenty of preachin for their souls, but skurce any vittles for their stummux. Now

ould afford, and the kind-heart

. But don't attempt to convert a Ethiopian person while his stummuck yearns for vittles. And you, ladies-I hop

"Come into the garden, Ward." And we

______

WARD O

e loose papers on the table beside his bed. It contains the last written jests of the dying jester, and is illustrative of

of it, I believe, was to ridicule doctors generally; for Artemus was bitterly sarcastic on his medical attendants, and he had some good reasons for being so. A few weeks before he died, a German physician examined his throat with a laryngoscope, and told him that nothing was the matter with him except a slight inflammation of the larynx. Another physician told him that he had heart disease, and a third assured him that he merely required his throat to be sponged two or three times a day, and take a preparation of tortoise shell for medicine, to perfectly recover! Every doctor made a different diagnosis, and each had a different specific. One alone of the many physicians to whom Artemus applied seemed

P.

nd yit I've got a muskle into my arms which don't make my fists r

Oh, yes." I sed, "Oh, no." He sed, "Do you want to be ground to powder?" I sed, "Yes, I do, if there is a powder-grindist handy." When he struck me a disgustin blow in my left eye, which caused that concern to at once close for repairs; but he didn't hurt me any more. I went for him. I went for him energet'cally. His parents live near by, and I will simply state that 15 minits after I'd

hat a disagreeable pers

ut helth. I cum o

llus been noted

he tempist raged and the billers howled, he sold another Pilgrim a kag of apple sass. The Pilgrim who bo't it was angry when he found that under a few layers of sass the rest was sawdust, and my ancestor sed he wouldn't have b'

thy people, tho' their purso

* * *

* * *

______

RAG

t it consists of part of a paper intended to describe a comic trip round England. To write a comic itinerary of an English tour was one of the author's favorite ideas; and another favorite one was

* * *

and one day, while I was struggling rapidly with a piece of mince-pie, I was so unfortunate as to wink slightly at her. The rash act was discovered by a yellow-haired party, who stated that she was to be his wife ere long, and that he "expected" he could lick any party who winked at her. A cursory examination of his frame convinced me that he could lick me with disgustin ease, so I told him it was a complaint of the eyes. "They are both so," I added, "and they have been so from infancy's hour. See here!" And I commen

ccident. I trust that my unblemished character-but

* * *

MUS