The lace of my wedding dress scratched at my skin, suddenly too tight, too much. The bouquet in my hand felt like it weighed a thousand bricks, yet these were the beautiful flowers I had specifically asked for. He loved them as well. I stared at the double doors, willing them to burst open and let him in, breathless, apologetic, smiling that soft boyish smile I fell in love with.
He didn't.
Somehow I already knew he wouldn't. I could feel lumps forming in my throat and my eyes were starting to fill up. I couldn't cry. Not here and definitely not right now.
I could hear them now. The whispers. The judgements wrapped in pity.
"Poor girl..."
"Didn't she see this coming?"
At this moment, I missed my sister. Even if the weight of comparison between the both of us weighed me down most times, she remained the sweetest and most supportive person to me.
I glanced at the front pew where my mother sat, stone-faced. She hadn't turned to look at me once. Not even when the murmurs grew louder. Not even when the clock ticked past the point of forgiveness.
I knew what she was thinking. "I told you so"
To her, love had always been foolish. A thing only weak women chased. For someone who's been in five failed marriages, I probably should have listened to her.
I blinked hard to fight the tears. I felt a full ache spreading through my chest like a bruise.
Aunt Lisa appeared at my side, her eyes kind but worried. "Sweetheart, maybe there's been an accident"
I nodded once. Not because I believed her, but pretending was easier than accepting the truth.
Mike wasn't coming. No calls, no explanations, just silence.
And in that silence, something inside me finally cracked. I turned on my heel and walked away.
Gasps followed. So did the sound of my heels clicking against the marble. The veil slipped off my head, but I didn't bother picking it up.
Outside, the sun was blinding. I stumbled down the steps of the church, each one feeling like a decision I couldn't take back. I made it to the corner before the sob finally slipped out.
I crouched beside a parked car, my heart pounding like it wanted to break free from my chest.
Behind me, I heard heels, sharp and controlled; my mother.
"This is exactly what happens when you chase dreams that don't belong to you," she said, not unkindly but not gently either.
I didn't look up. "He was kind to me"
"And still left"
I stood slowly. Her eyes scanned me, the smudged makeup, the undone dress and the bouquet now tossed aside.
"You've always been too much of a dreamer," she muttered. I honestly didn't know how those words seemed helpful in this moment, but that summed up my relationship with my mother.
I met her gaze, steady now. "Maybe, but I'm done shrinking to fit into a life that never wanted me."
She blinked, stunned into silence for the first time in years.
"I'm leaving," I said. "Not just this church, this town. Everything!"
"And where will you go?" Her voice cracked slightly.
"To the city," I replied. "I'll figure it out"
"You don't have a job. No apartment. No one waiting for you."
"I'll figure it out," I repeated, this time for myself.
I couldn't even tell if she was genuinely worried about my wellbeing or this was another mechanism to keep me bound, especially as Cindy was gone. This time however, I didn't care about pleasing her or hiding in the background just so she could at least choose me.
This time, I was choosing myself.
I didn't know where the road would take me. Only that it wouldn't bring me back here. Not to a family that only ever saw me through someone else's shadow. I was done being the girl left behind.
Today was supposed to be the beginning of my forever, and maybe it still was. Just not the version I had expected.
Let them talk. Let them whisper. Let them pity me. I, on the other hand, couldn't wait to see what the next chapter of my life would bring.