Half Awake, Fully Yours

"Excuse me, coming through"

Nervous apologies and hushed, murmured profanities left her lips as she made her way out, weaving through the crowd of clammy bodies, sweaty from jumping and screaming. The stage was empty, the headlights leaving the glistening floor in a warm glow, a huge contrast to the blinding lights she had been engulfed in a few hours prior. The guards waved violently towards the exit while some girls gestured back with their hands. From the corner of her eyes, one of the girls sized up the redhead guy on their team, tilting her head and biting her lips. She shut her eyes briefly, shaking her head.

She clutched her little purse tightly, walking behind a bunch of girls her age who were obnoxiously dragging their feet, arguing while passing the artist around like blunt.

"I think Dakota is my new religion. Actually I-"

"Shut up, you didn't even want to come!"

She cleared her throat.

"Excuse me, coming through" Her tongue felt heavy and thick as she spoke. Suddenly, it was eerily quiet and for a fleeting moment she felt like the Harbinger of Doom.

Their little group fell into halves, forging a path which she gratefully took. Her grip on her purse tightened a bit, her shoulders hanging low, heavy with the weight of their gazes. Her insecurities swallowed her. Did they see the way her leather purse creased a little at the zips? Or did they think she thought of them as thieves with how tight her grip was? Her feet took her forward but only seemed to cover a little distance. She didn't know any of the girls but somehow, she desired to establish amity with them.

"Isn't that the girl with the overly bright screen? It was so annoying standing behind her" "Leave her alone, Uma". She had just wanted to check her emails. Amity be damned.

Outside the venue the cool evening filled her lungs, heavy and cold. So cold she could feel her bones rattle a bit as she hugged her jacket tighter around her torso. She wasn't even a fan of Dakota. He was the only thing she had left of Theo. She missed him much more than she would have loved to admit.

Her lifestyle and routine had formed around the man. He was the reason she still listened to Dakota, even when she found the man's music bland. He was the reason she had bought a cedarwood perfume oil because its scent felt like a warm embrace from him. A whiff and he came alive in her room, his fingers gripping her waist softly, pulling her into an involuntary dance.

He was the reason she forgot how to communicate her feelings and emotions. Because his ever-soft lips, laced with the fresh taste of smoke on his tongue knew how to shut her up each time, robbing her of her dignity and pulling down all her defenses. Yet that was okay, because now she's faced with her boss, Muna and it was all familiar territory; a language she had come to understand, one that went hand in hand with love. She unknowingly longed for it and so she took the verbal lashings from Muna each time.

He was also the reason she looked forward to the weekends because they were filled with flowers, ice-cream and a pleading smile so smooth, it straightened out the jagged ends. Jagged ends forged with anger when she smelt another woman on him. Well, they were together because another woman had smelt her on him. Everyone left, yet she stayed. Maybe she could fill the gaping hole caused by all the women leaving him. How vital she was to him. What would he do without her by his side?

Oh, he was also the reason she kept a lighter on her at all times, the tradition never leaving her. Not even after IT had happened. Rowan thought she was crazy, the last of her sanity burnt to a crisp, and for good reason too.

"Girl, get laid or get help!" Rowan had told her one fine sunday, reaching over the sofa to grab her leather jacket. She wanted to murmur that she was already getting both but she swallowed thickly, allowing her roommate's string of advices to run in the background of their conversation.

Her therapist thought so too, just on another font. "I am so glad that you're finally opening up to me" the grey-haired man would say but she wouldn't miss how the man fidgeted with his glasses and gulped whenever she opened up to him.

Breeze hit her once more and the urge for a quick smoke eluded her. Rummaging through her purse for her essentials, she was interrupted from her train of thoughts by her phone buzzing. Rowan.

"Hey babe, fun concert?" Rowan's shrill voice came on the receiver, a little pant on her breath.

"Yeah it was so-so. It already ended" She popped a cigarette between her lips and leaned against the wall behind her, struggling to zip her bag.

"That's what you get for staying hung up on something that should've been buried with the rubble" Rowan bit and she stayed mute. A sharp ding from her lighter penetrated through the silence. "You're smoking, aren't you?

"Roe, you called. I'm sure you had something important to tell me" She sighed a bit. The beads of sweat that had formed on her forehead were starting to dry and she didn't like how sticky she felt.

"Oh hun, I do have a lot to tell you right now" Rowan drawled and in the background of her voice, she heard a groan. "But baby all I will tell you is that I'm over at James' and I know your cute little ass didn't take your keys and I was in a bit of a hurry-"

"Rowan, breathe" She half giggled. "You're ranting"

She heard Rowan sigh a bit before gulping pretty loudly. "Well I'm at James', taking care of him. Something popped up and you should come" Rowan said, albeit slowly.

"Why-"

"He has the stuff." Rowan deadpanned and she felt the saliva in her mouth dry instantly. She felt her senses become more alert. "Roe, we talked about this"

"Yes and I know, but this one is good. Trust me. I've tried it. Plus you need some destressing, it's the weekend" Rowan pressed. Something toppled over, crashing into the floor and a string of slurred profanities ensued.

"I don't know Roe..." She took a whiff of the cigarettes, iddly kicking a rock. A giggly couple walked past her just in time for a particularly fierce gust of wind to blow her way and she swayed a little.

"Bel, just come. You're out there in the cold because you can't let go of your past anyway. You need a little warmth. Just come over here and get high" Rowan said and James chirped affirmatively in the background.

A sigh. "Alright".

"Good". The line went dead. She looked up to the starry night sky, her eyes tracing along Orion's belt. Smoke emanated from her cigarette, slowly losing to the wind. She admired the sky for awhile, sighing briefly. Somehow everything still pointed towards Theo, no matter how much she tried to stay away. His grip on her was strong, stronger than how tight she clutched her tired purse when a suspicious looking man waddled past, casting her a glance.

Taking one final puff, she extinguished the cigarettes with her boots, walking out to flag a taxi.