To the Imperfect You

15th January, 2010

Her mum was stoned again. Hard. The seconds ticked by slowly as they sped down the dark highway, the small space of the car practically vibrating with the sound of the music turned on so loud and her mother singing along. Despite the noise, all she could think in her head as she clamped Tiana's sweaty hand tightly in hers was "Lord, let's get home safe please". He mum sat alone in the front seat and her usual smell filled the whole space. Bad breath…..sweat….weed……and a faint smell of what she hoped was not urine. It happened a few times. She would completely pass out when she had had enough and would sometimes pee herself. Not minding to take a shower when she finally awoke, she would merely have a change of clothes and move on to the next aspect of her life. Getting stoned again.

It had surprised her greatly when Natalia had offered to come get she and Tiana from Tiana's school. Today was PTA and of course her mother wasn't going to attend. Kim went…..like she always did. Despite her reassurances that they could get the bus home safe, her mum had insisted on coming and for a moment, she had let a sliver of hope worm it's way into her heart. Was she finally coming back to them? Of course that had been stupid of her. After the PTA ended by roughly 3:30, they had sat at the parking lot, anxiously awaiting her mum's arrival. Her baby sister had come third in her class and she had been so excited to share the news. She was looking forward to sharing the news with their mum even more. Her behavior had been impeccable all year too. Kim was well and truly proud of her. She was turning out to be everything she wanted her to be……which was everything Kim herself wasn't. At the beginning of the wait, she had kept up the cheerful mood, telling Tiana what a good girl she was, how proud she was of her, and how Mama would be proud of her when she heard.

"You really think so, Kim?". Her 11 year old sister had asked while looking up at her with those eyes that crippled her soul. It broke Kim to see her younger sister so broken. The girl had gone through a lot, so many things she didn't deserve…..no one deserved. At the end of it, she didn't even want much. All she wanted was their mother's love and approval, something a child shouldn't even have to yearn for. Her mum knew exactly how much Tiana needed these too, and that was all the reason she needed to deprive her of it. Like it was the child's fault that her mum had stupidly gone on to get herself pregnant with her, the possible fathers too many count and too worthless to matter either ways. As she constantly liked to say, the only reason she hadn't gotten rid of Tiana in her belly was because she had been far gone before she even realized she was pregnant. Seeing how deep those words hurt Tiana, it had become her mum's favorite thing to say, till Kim had coldly told her one day that if she ever repeated it again, she would personally go down to the police station herself to report her mother of drug possession and abuse. That had been the only reason Natalia had shut up. The fierce protectiveness that burned in Kim's heart for her sister blazed just as brightly as her distaste for her mother. Natalia had failed them as a mum, something she would never forgive her for.

She had raised her hand to pat Tiana's head and given her her most beatific smile. "Of course, kitten. Mama would be very proud of you". And just by those words, Tiana had clutched her report sheet tighter to her chest and continued to stare down the road expectantly, not minding at all that it was in fact almost 6:30 now and their mum still hadn't shown up.

She had finally shown up roughly an hour later, heavily stoned. She hadn't even bothered to apologise. Tiana had jumped excitedly at the sight of their mum's battered Toyota rounding the corner, but Kim had merely eyeballed the ugly grey car till it finally screeched to a halt in front of them. As they approached the car, Kim had paused at the driver's seat window and stared down at her mother's face.

"You can't drive like this, Mama". She had said shortly, gripping Tiana's hand protectively.

Her mum had rolled her eyes and jerked her head towards the back of the car. "Get in the car, Kimberly. I have places to be".

"Like you had places to be by 3:30 when you were supposed to come get us?". She had shot back accusingly, all the pent up anger fast rising to surface. "What kind of mother are you?".

"Now you watch your mouth, young lady". There had been a short staring contest between them till her mum had finally turned to glance at Tiana, almost like an after thought. "How was your result, girl?".

From the corner of her eye, Kim had seen Tiana glance up at her nervously before turning back to their mum. She had only gripped her hand tighter in assurance but continued to glare down furiously at Natalia.

"I came third, Mama". Her voice shook slightly with what Kim knew was excitement and underlying nervousness.

"Third? You didn't come top of class?". Their mum, had asked, her voice dripping iirritation.

"That's the highest she's been so far, Mama". Kim had cut in, waiting for her mother to say one more wrong thing, just one more. That would be all the excuse she needed to pour out the raging words that zapped through her mind, dying to be let out. But her mum had merely shrugged, jerking her head towards the back of the car again.

"Get in girls".