The Life, Death and Life of Amelia Hollow

…And Earth had probably changed a little since your time. The USA was fresh out of a civil war and a war with China. And there'd already been a gay president who went dressed as a unicorn to every press conference during Gay Pride Week. Not a great president, but one hell of a guy.

Around about twenty-eight years before in 2780, a Swedish man called Sven Hollow went on a one-man deep space mission to the outer rim of the solar system. He lost his way home when his coordinates got all screwed up. With food and oxygen supplies running low, Sven was on the verge of death. His saviour was strange spaceship that picked him up making Sven the first human to have contact with extra-terrestrials. Then Earth realized how out of the loop it had been seeing as all aliens outside of our dear solar system had already met and had created one huge union.

Sven was the first ambassador of Earth. He had to fight hard to convince the aliens that Earth would be a great contribution to their union. At first they didn't like us very much but they warmed up and finally came to a decision after a 5, 450, 054 to 5, 450, 053 vote that Earth could join the USM (United Systems of Mel) as a second-class planet. Sven had gotten the final vote by sleeping with the equivalent of an alien Jessica Rabbit with flaming red hair and green skin. He accidently got her pregnant and their son Cameron (the name 'Cameron' was common on both planets) became an ensign on board one of USM's mightiest ships called the Titonic… I'd also like to mention the fact that he is my half-brother.

Although my father was an ambassador and still had a presence in the USM, Cameron's mother kept Sven away from his son because she didn't want her son to act human in an alliance that saw humans as a 'second-class' species. This wracked my father to the core, but her species was first-class unlike humans so Sven had no say in the matter. She only let the pair talk via hologram and despite her attempt to keep them distant; Cameron rebelled and called his father as much as he could when she wasn't around and especially when he left home to join the Titonic.

Sven had left Earth at the age of twenty-seven and officially retired when he was thirty-two. He let some Russian woman take over for him because they had both been in the same space program.

At thirty-seven he was still single, but desperately wanted another child. He had a 'test tube' baby genetically engineered and I was 'born'. Having children bioengineered was very popular in this time – especially if you were rich.

My father didn't do much after he retired and had me despite deciding that he wanted to be bi-sexual. After lots of experimenting he married a Jamaican ex-drug addict cross-dresser. They didn't seem to have a lot to talk about, but they did enjoy each other's company. Sven recently celebrated his fifty-fifth birthday while his husband celebrated his thirty-seventh a few months after. What can I say? My father has a thing for younger men… and women.

Because the first encounter with aliens was still very recent, people were still uncomfortable with the idea. Conservatives said they didn't exist and wrote them off as boys in costumes. There wasn't anything you could say to change their mind, but I didn't really care about what they thought seeing as our liberal dictator just moved the last of them to Florida.

Oh yes, the USA was totally fucked when it came to politics. Ever since the 2340 elections when an android was brought into office things had been bad between the liberals and conservatives… really bad. All sane people had just stopped voting so really the fate of America was in the hands of the crazies. There wasn't Republican and Democratic Party anymore. They mutated into just being called the Right Wing and the Left Wing party to avoid confusion. There was no point in trying to understand either party… They both seemed awful to moi.

The last Right Wing president managed to undo almost a thousand years of democracy. There were executions in the streets for illegal immigrants, homosexuals and women who had had abortions in the past years. The most horrible thing he did was buy thirteen Chinese slaves for himself which may have just helped spark the war between the USA and China. Really, it was America's fault for voting in a president who had just escaped a mental asylum. The man was still wearing his tinfoil hat!

Shortly after the hundredth execution, a guy called Clive Darwin lost it. He got an army together and stormed the White House. My dad was luckily off-planet at this time or he may have not chosen to raise me in the States.

Clive Darwin took over the USA and started the craziest revolution in the history of forever. He basically just started a civil war in the heart of the States that killed a lot of Right Wingers before he sent the rest to live in Florida. Not in concentration camps, more like retirement villages but in Florida which most people agreed was just downright mean.

Lots of Left Wing voters weren't sure how to feel about this. Montana started a massive rebellion against Clive and caused the second part of the civil war. You know what happened to Montana? It was renamed New Utah. Why was it called New Utah? Because Clive liked Utah, that's why.

But years ago when I was eight, Clive died in hospital with head injuries due to mysterious circumstances. A woman called Leona Adams was suspected of murdering him (they had slept together the night before) but there was no proof… and she vanished. And so Clive's son took over. He's was little less crazy and that's why my father decided it was okay to continue raising me in the States. Clive's son Harry Darwin was young, but he was harmless. He was just a computer nerd so technology advancements skyrocketed once he took over. People still aren't sure how they feel about him being the leader of the USA at his age but, the value of the American dollar went up so nobody complained.

If you didn't guess from the cover, my name is Amelia Hollow. Before we go further I must warn you this book will portray me to have a big ego, but when you're as awesome as I am then why wouldn't you have a huge ego?

I grew up in the countryside of Wyoming where my daddy had a big mansion. His family had always been wealthy, but being the Earth's ambassador made Sven filthy rich. – Apparently you make big money for discovering aliens.

You'd think I'd have a sort of Swedish or Jamaican accent due to who I was raised by, but surprisingly I have a very American drawl. The only time I sound 'Swedish' is when I'm imitating the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

I got 100% on my SUNE (Standard United Nation's Exam) plus extra credit on the extension papers making moi one of the highest scoring high-school students in the whole of the USA. Some would say I was cheating seeing as I had been bioengineered to be better, but they were just jealous. That's why I couldn't be on the women's basketball team. The coach thought the men's team would be more of a challenge. Not really much of a step up, though; none of the boys on the team were over six feet which is why they sucked so badly.

Being my father's clone, I enjoy retro science fiction as much as Sven. When I was little we watched rinky dink shows from hundreds of years ago like the Star Trek series, Star Wars, Crysis, Hidden Target and the Intelligence Factory… If you haven't heard of some of those then you are either stupid or they are after your time. I don't understand my father's obsession with old sci-fi television shows, but apparently all the new shows are just rip-offs of them so he prefers the originals.

Okay, so if you found this book coverless on the side of the street or you're reading creepily over your friend's shoulder and don't know what this book's about: this is basically the story of my life, death and life. Confused? Good. I'm just going to start at the very beginning… when I was a zygote. Nah, I'll start somewhere a little more interesting.