nife and fork and rai

u may have noticed that I consumed my portion without a word. But this...." Contemptuously he indicated the severed tournedos upon his plate. "You know, the

to shake wi

ne desperately. "I know it's

nct. And they can't all be irrevocably suited. I always thought the

rybody I know, my name's on the books of every registry office I've ever heard of, and I've written and sent stamped addressed envelopes to every cook whose name I've been given. Three out of about sixty have replied, say

back with him. If he can't raise one in Paris, he ought to be shot. And now let's have

said Jill. "Katharine may

'll get one out to-ni

utburst were removed, clean plates were set before us, and t

tinctively

Berry. "Anothe

Loyally Jill followed her example, and, with tears running down her cheeks,

ed the d

the servant offered i

hook hi

He turned to his wife. "What a wonderful thing perfume is! You know, t

. Those were banana fritters. That slimy crust e

s much cheaper. I shan't want to be reminded of food for several days now." He looked across the table to Daphne. "After

dressed hers

's-it's not very nice."

ndows and Berry lighted a huge cigar, in the hope of effacing the st

ly set by decently-cooked food. As time went on, the physical and mental disorder, consequent upon Mrs. Mason's accident, became more and more pronounced. All topics of conversation became subservient to the burning question of filling the void occasioned by her absence. Worst of all, dissatisfaction was rampant in the servants' hall, and Daphne's maid had hinted broadly that, if a cook was not shor

and filled and lighted a pipe in its

and, taking a pencil from my pocket, sat down on the sofa and set to work to compose an ad

on with Nobby, who lay at inelegant ease supine between us. Perched upon the arm of a deep armchair, my sister was subjecting

ith a sigh and cross

what was

another their respective failures of the day. More often th

nnected im

simply hopeless. What? ... 'Widow with two boys of seven and nine'? Thank you. I'd ra

ieve it, ask her to

ight, Katharine. I was speaking to

," said her husband, "upon

gnored the

s food means a lot

ce luscious fillet deliberately rendered unfit for human consumption, and I am deprived of my now ravening appetite by the nauseati

et?" said his wi

outraged. And that upon an empty stomach. I shal

g to ... Oh, are you? I thought you said you'd given it up ... Another nineteen shillings' worth? Well, here's luck, anyway ... Yes, o

Well, I'll bet she doe

nce: electric cooker: constant hot water: kitchen-maid: separate bedroom: servants' hall: late breakfast: t

and I'll get a bedroom at the Club. When you've weeded the best out of

r arms about my neck and laid

en't. Half the cooks in England

on't know which this is, but we'll call it 'love' and chance i

I realized that my judgment had been ill-considered. Plainly it was not a question of l

out my name and just

ok my

's a great wheeze." Thoughtfully she crossed to the fireplac

om was full of

the writing-table Jil

ding up the letter which my bro

Bro

past, I am once again about to prove whether out of the dunghill of inefficiency which, with uncon

e police, in one of those uncharted purlieus which shroud in mystery the source of the Cromwell Road. After four lean days your gluttonous instincts led you precipitatel

ore I

als than mankind. To call the first meal "breakfast" is sheer blasphemy: lunch is a hollow mockery: dinner, the abomination of desolation.

carriage paid. Luxury shall be heaped upon it. Its slightest whim shall be gratified, and it shall go to "the movies" at my expense, wh

plight cannot be exaggerated. Do something-anything. Misrepresent

it is the hour of gra

rr

to some high place and quietly push yourself off. It will be

"But, as Jonah is accustomed to your Interpretation of th

ick upon tête de veau en tortue and crêpes Suz

ared for the first tim

e dining-room a

d Jill. "On th

ver the kingdom. It's inevitable. Nothing can stop them. Old and trusted r

I laid down the paper and strolled to the window. It had been raining, but now the sun was out, and

start about ten. I wonder how far the queue will reach," he added reflectively. "I

ay get an answer or two to-morrow. I think

He tapped the provocative paragraph with an accusing finger. "This is a direct

s we hadn't put it

u can stand behind the what-not in the drawing-room and fire them from there, and Boy'd better go dow

oked. From the bottom of a second dish a black and white egg, with a pale green yoke, eyed me with a cold stare. With a shudder I covered it up again.

ook my

s advertisemen

ster

er telephone

mad when she sees we

he telephone. That's another vulne

ce was nev

de a dramatic irruption, and Jill, who was i

uite sure. A second prolonged v

off," s

ous," said Daphne. "

already at

y we awaite

by barking stormily. The nervous outburst of reproof which greeted his eloquence was so unexpectedly menacin

nt Jill tore

er. "It's a cook! She wants to speak to Daphne.

ried aghast. "

dation. "Two hundred miles is nothing. Have another hunk o

ll twittering at her heels, and in som

is attention t

y lad, co

rotatory movement of his tail, the terrier emerged from his cover and humbled h

eet to be bitten, are due to arrive in myriads. Be ruthless. Spar

all'd the fea

s this day, and

aution when thi

at the name

live this day,

the razzle feas

morrow is Sai

rip her hose and

wounds I had o

et; yet all sh

member with a

s you did

his face enth

ss the hall, and Daphne and

. "Six years in her last place, but the people are going abroad

was b

cy she's by way of being an expert. She's got a certificate from some institute of cookery, and her sister's a trained nurse in Welbeck Str

under five poun

ha

ere to ensure me a breakfast the very sight of which did not m

ice of Pauline Roper's ticket would be two p

lief, the day passed without another applicati

ignal, and the prospect which it afforded of an early deliveranc

ram in the hall. It had been hande

eley Street to-morrow aaa can speak no English so

oked at his watch. Then he sighed profoundly a

ere? I wonder if there'll be many passengers. And will she come first-class, or before the mast? You know, this is a wild mare's chest, and tha

toutly. "Jonah's told h

so she won't expect me. As a matter of fact, if he's described

ddress every woman who looks in the least like a cook as she s

l probably be all dressed up to give us a treat, and, for all we know, she may have a child with her, and, if she's pretty, it's a hundred to one some fellow will be seeing her off th

restrain her merriment. Fixing her with a sorrowful look, m

had certainly com

al with the immigrant when the latter had been identified, but she could not be expected to effect the identification. I was unanimously chosen for this responsible task, but I refused point-blank to make the attempt single-handed. I argued with reason that it was more than one man could do, and that the performance of what w

t was n

a way, would simplify the position. If, as was more probable, she seemed desirable, the only thing to do was to pay her fare and promise to let her know w

ement of a cook was going to prove one of the most costl

before its scheduled time, and we immedi

r in the lounge, after which we decided to t

d, seem to have passed over the grizzled Gate like the east wind, leaving it scatheless. About herself no change was visible. As we leaned easily upon the giant parapet of the Admiralty Pier, watching the tireless waves dance to the cappriccio of wind and sun, there was but little evidence to show that the portcullis, recently hoist, had for four years been down. Under the shadow of the Shakespeare Cliff the busy traffic of impatient Peace fretted as heretofore. The bristling sentinels were gone: no craft sang through the empty air: no desperate call for labour wearied tired eyes,

er was up

the hour the rattle of the donkey-engine came to a sudden stop, and a momen

disembarkation as convenience and discretion allo

engers bega

eft sock-suspender is coming down. However ... Of course, it is beginning to be forcibly what they call 'borne in upon' me that we ought to have brought some barbed wire and a turnstile. A

angular female with a brown paper parcel and a tumbler, when my q

sed m

e. Mais vous ê

discomfiting reply

not made had been rejected, and that

ly tempered by the reception with

, but the resentment which his attempt

urned as from an offensive odour and invested the one word she though

gust

hook hi

," he said, "wa

aring an oil-silk gaberdine and very clearl

had stumblingly repeated my absurd interrogation, she denied the impeachment with a charming smile. During our exchange of courtesies

pé, maman?" he demande

s appropriate,

gged him inco

gest ladies I have ever seen. As he

us trouver. Mais maintenant je suis tranquille. Mon mari me suit. Ah, le voilà!" She turne

he of good-will Ber

thing must be done, I

aid Berry weakly. "

of my French to convince his

e about fifteen "po

's direction, wiped the sweat from

erve began to go. Miserably I

rt-looking girl in black, bearing a b

king yell from the gangway, and a very dark gentleman, with an It

of his tone and the violence of his dramatic gestures it was plain that the torrent which foamed from his lips was both menacing

red and raved like a maniac, alternately pointing to his shrinking pro

unperturbed. As h

ic, it is a taste which I have never acquired. In conclusion, I hope that, before you reach the platform for which you are apparently making, you will stumble over one of the ridi

o move rapidly away, wide-eyed and ill at ease.... With suppressed excitement and the tail of my eye, I watched him bear down upon one of the stumbling-blocks to which Berry had referred. The accuracy with which he approached it was almost unc

bout Berry's

how you feel, but I've had about enough of this. My ner

n witnessing our humiliations from a safe distance, and

nted a trembling finger in the direction o

h was descending the ga

dead. Almost at once he saw us and waved airily.... A moment

e of you'd turn up

turned

I suppose a little bird told him. Oh, take me away, somebody, and let me die

garded the

urned and nodded at a nervous little man who was standing self-consciously a few paces away and, as

cement rendered us s

ay," I gasped, "th

ugged his

is trouser

a woman," cried Jill in a choki

d Jonah, "was

a voice shake

d several respectable ladies, jeopardized the Entente Cordiale, and invited personal violence of a most unpleasant character. To do this I shall have travelled about a hundred and fifty miles, with the shade temperature at ninety, and lost what would have been an undoubtedly pleasant and possibly extremely fruitful day at Sandown Park. Don't be afr

stalked haughtily in the d

riment, Jill laid

simply scre

ost us Pauline," said I, "s

follow my b

ckoned t

ez près de m

ah and the cook to weather the Customs,

l, my sister came fly

d, "where's the c

unco

ust like that. 'Serwine!' Put all the loathing you can into it-you'll find it can hold quite a lot-

e. "It must have been awful

aking with excitement. "It's

y sister, taking

. Like Nobby. Separate legs

to say that

odd

t chair and closed her eyes. Present

dred and fifty miles to molest a lot of strange women, and then finding that for all the

ulled herse

ething told me I'd better. But I waited before taking up her reference,

ayed behind because of the Customs.

said Daphne. "Fitch will have to look after him

oked at

why not let him sub-edit the dinner to-night? It'll s

r hesita

uggest it, but, if he's anything of a c

shan't have to fire him. He can just push off quietly to-morrow, Paulin

good. If he declines, so much the better. It's a bl

Daphne. "I shall m

Customs and Excise than we had anticipated, and I had consumed a much-needed

ted a leisurely toi

able, which we had been too late to reserve, my sister

d that he needn't do any more than just run his eye over the menu, and that, as they were going to

ter the man this evening, and that I was making arrangements for h

is the nymph lately responsible

ne n

to-night. I said he was very clever, and all that sort of thing, and that I wanted

e couldn't speak a word of

over-pleased, but, as Pauline's coming on Monday, that didn't worry me. So I sent h

eem over-

I knew was that they'd tried to murder each other, and that Camille had bitten William,

chef. The latter had consequently determined to be as nasty as the circumstances allowed, had eyed her preparations for dinner with a marked contempt, and had communed visibly and audibly with himself in a manner which it was impossible to mistake. Finally he had desired to taste the soup which she was cooking. Poor a

ss the fuse had been laid, the charge of passion was tamped, the d

however, preferred

-by this time the cynosure of sixteen vigilant

ave felt instinctively that no man born of woman would in the circumstances renounce such a magnificent opportunity o

f deadly loathing, intensified by a horrible squint, he expelled the liquid on to the kitche

" he announced,

vivant somewhat on the lines of Meissonier's famous painting was unconsciously improvised. That three maids hardly restrained Mrs. Chapel, that the footman who sought to withhold Camille was bitten for his pains by the now ravening Frenchman, that the latter was only saved from the commission of a still more aggravated assault by the timely arrival of the butler, that Nobby, attracted by the uproar, contrib

ody of the chauffeur and escorted to the latter's rooms above the garage, to be returned to Fr

isposal of the combatants were not completed until long past

e faintly, "I should

rdered

the doors that were usually

es of a vibrant soprano came

ally we

to the end of a

turned

e seen us come

rs. Hamilton Smythe of Fair Lawns, Torquay, asking pro forma, whether Pauline Roper, now

t, decently attired and respectful, she was obviously a long way superior to the ordinary maid. Indeed, she had admitted that her father, now dead, had been a clergyman, and that she should have endeavoured to obtain a position as governess if, as a child, sh

ster before she caught her train back, so she didn't have any. I almost forgot to give her her fare, poor girl. In fact, she had to remind m

uiet corner of the pleasant grounds, taking our eas

de our way to

erson we saw was K

but what with the Camille episode and dining out I forgot all ab

ed beaming. Being of the oppos

ed, "I meant to have rung you

ribed the best part of a semicir

h an audacity which took my brea

a diplomat. "Don't you feel quite strange? I can hardly believe it'

ntly, and Berry

cried Daphn

's a queer name for a cook

rs is Pauline! Wha

ed Katharine

quay?"-in a c

put a trembling han

" she said faintl

ce halfpenny," said my sister

tharine. "She was t

r last place?" s

yman's daughter,"

take up her

night," wa

ght two chairs, a

Jill, "she spoke from

said Berry.

Katharine.

did," said D

, "answered t

aid did," sa

turned to my cousin. "When you took off t

ed if we were Mayfair 9999 and then said, 'You'r

ould have said, 'Torquay wants you,' or 'Exeter,' or something. Our

ng a hand to her head. "There must

unds in two hours by sitting on the edge of a chair and saying I was a clergyman's daughter. And now

cause I can't bear it. Jonah, for goodness

ting on, and I should just hate to be late for dinner.

a state of prof

e" communication upon a buff sheet

l death-warrant of

i

Post Office at 10.2 a.m. on the 26th June addressed to Reply paid Hamilton Sm

S NOT

m,

edient

.

tma