sleep t
re again on the floor, bleeding out, Diane's silhouette
meant to shine b
re was a finality to it. A hatred that only festered whene did
not dead
n twenty-fi
wenty
- breathing, blinking, aching - in the body of my younger sel
n patterns on the peeling white paint of the wall. For a moment, I just stared. The sunrise felt
was
when life hands y
ve an answe
ot out
didn't want to scare re
a faded pink notebook with a unicorn sticker on the corner. Diane always teased me about it
re betrayal. Before
ribbles and poems written in the haze of
ed slightly as I
y... I star
Bucke
ves you a do-over,
, strangers, drinks, dancing until my fe
compromise. No shared plates. J
And actually get my
he kind that screams
ntaneous even if it's j
to say "no" w
ne who makes
f for all the th
About Diane. About
hat I really wan
writing, I sat b
ed me, not weighed me down. Like each ite
spering under my breath like I
ht me back... you're proba
lls didn't speak. But something in my chest stirred ...... a quie
just survive. I'll enjoy every moment I sp
ess. But I had let fear steer me too many
was so desperate to be loved, I made mys
. I would b
't pretend I was
g that list, I wa
tion. That maybe I'd wake up back on the floor in a pool of bl
scar w
below my collarbone. A memory written
idn't rush
table, like stepping into shoes you haven't worn
list that small act of
ed to star
eady decided what came first
pa
ked, how I spoke, how much attention I got. She always found reasons to canc
tecting me. She was afraid of what would happen if I
ed of who I
ally unde
elt different. I wasn't the same girl who used to seek her approval. I wasn't
o
ne. She died on
was born
l sc
iguring
e, none
ain and traced the fir
o a
mp
si
voluti
wasn't ready to walk into the world just yet not before
ould go
even t
enough
-
a glass of water. My hands were steadier now. My heartbeat no lo
tered, tossing her heels aside and complain
her,
w she was a mu
'd seen the darke
as no longer the gi
d into her phone. The way she checked her lipstick in the mirror.
ng strange about me,
t say anyth
dn't.
igate this new existence. What to chan
at evening and aske
odd
i
t needed s
The same way she used to accept my
t this
asn't shrin
lear
nni
omi
-
my bed with the list in my lap again. I re-rea
permission t
to ask if it w
my space even if I had to
brought m
for me to repe
I could rewri