Sincerely yours...

I tapped on my phone screen and looked at the message very carefully. The very sad one that Joel sent to me. I zoomed it out as if I had not seen the words correctly.

Turned out my eyes were working pretty much fine.

Can you imagine the asshole broke up with me just because I am too slim?

I wasn’t even below a size 5 and he called me slim.

I stood in the mirror and I examined myself as I hissed with anger. He didn’t even have the nerve to break up with me in person.

‘Pathetic asshole’ I muttered moving my hands from my sides to my ass and my hips.

Personally speaking, I loved my body. I liked that I wasn’t fat at all nor was I thin. I liked that my boobs were firm and small. I’d be doomed if they grew bigger than that. And I exactly loved the small cup of my ass.

If I was a guy I would date someone like me.

Joel didn’t have any sense of good choice at all. I should have seen that coming with the way he behaved and treated me like I was not important to him.

I loved the idiot way more than I should have. I invested more of myself than I should have.

I sniffed, as I tried to prevent tears from escaping from my eyes. 2 years just wasted like that. As if he didn’t know I had been the same body size since we began dating.

“Damn you Joel...” I said out as loud as I could.

I was at the edge and I felt like screaming more and louder. But with the current situations, I didn’t want to have more trouble added to me.

“I hate you Joel” my voice began to break. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold the tears back long enough.

Because I loved Joel, and no matter how much I was beginning to hate him, I still loved him. It’s crazy but Joel was also my first.

No matter how much I said that I hated him, I knew that I would always still love him.

No one actually gets over their first, you know.

I’ve never imagined myself in bed with another man. Joel was the first man that I planned to make the last, too.

I sniffed and wiped off the tears from my eyes. I didn’t like to cry. I didn’t want to cry over a man too.

Except that it hurts. It hurt so bad that I felt so much pain that my head ached.

I loved him, I loved him as much as he wanted.

Today didn’t exactly start well.

Waking up to an eviction notice when your current ex-boyfriend wants to remove your name from the lease and having to move in with your elder brother who is way older than you are and who is in another state isn’t exactly the best thing ever. Especially when that brother of yours is so strict and bossy at the same time.

It wasn’t like I hated being around my brother but living with him..... I wouldn’t say it was the most enjoyable.

When I was younger, he picked my friends for me. He didn’t even let me date anyone. No guy in my school dared to say that they liked me or they’d be in so much trouble.

Even when we didn’t go to the same school, my brother’s school was a minute away from mine. But the guys in my school still feared him. They feared him like he was an animal. There was a time when I used to hate my brother so much that I hated to even hear his voice.

It was that bad.

I had only met Joel on my first day in college because then Ian was no longer in sight to watch me and police me around and had moved in with Joel like a year ago.

Though the plan had been to move to Boston when I got my master's admission and stay in my own place of course except now that Joel has broken up with me, the asshole wanted me to move out earlier than I had planned.

And with no money to get a rental, for the time being, moving to Boston became the only solution I had.

I looked around the room. At least I still had one night before I could finally move out. Joel had texted me that he wouldn’t be home, he wanted to give me enough privacy to park my stuff.

I didn’t even ask for any stupid privacy because all I’ve ever wanted was to always be around Joel. To breathe the same air that he breathed. Eat what he ate.

I just wanted to do whatever he did and be wherever he was.

Do you think he broke up because I was too clingy?

From the spot I was, I moved to the bed with a bit of teary eyes. I had lost the vibe and energy to even continue packing up my things.

Then I sank into the bed and began to cry into the pillow.

I would have said my pillow but…

I cried because I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to leave New York yet. I didn’t want to leave Joel yet.

Not like I’ll ever be.

I hated myself for letting myself love him as much as I did. I hated myself.

My phone began to ring. I didn’t look at it because I didn’t want to pick. I didn’t even care who was calling. I just wanted to cry till I couldn’t cry anymore.

The phone did not stop ringing. That’s when I reluctantly dragged myself close to the phone at the edge of the bed. I wiped my eyes and sniffed before picking up my best friend’s call.

I didn’t say anything when the call began to read. I didn’t want her to know that I was crying or anywhere close to crying.

“Are you crying?” Ellen asked. Of course, she knew me better to know that I would cry my eyes out.

“No, I’m not” I tried to lie but I wasn’t exactly the best liar on planet Earth. Just anybody can know when I lie.

“You can’t cry for Joel.” She advised “Even though I liked Joel, I still can’t and won’t deny that his reason for breaking up with you sucks” She paused “he’s an asshole”

“Yes, he’s an asshole” I subbed out but wanted to take back the words. Joel wasn’t an asshole.

Maybe I was the reason for the heartbreak. Maybe it was all me. Maybe...

“Do you remember how much you’ve always wanted to go to that Detty Club? The one across my street?”

I nodded my head. My lips felt too heavy to move.

“I think this is the absolute best time to go there. Hooking up with a new guy is the best possible way to get over an old guy” Ellen said.

I wanted to immediately say no to that idea. I wanted to scream at her and tell her I didn’t want to get over Joel.

But, on second thought, what if she has a point?