Her Racing Heart

"Sometimes I wish I was dead"

It was dark, rainy midnight when everyone sleeping peacefully even though their world is on the verge of crashing a girl in her mid-twenties looked so deep in her thoughts lying on her bed. Meera, she couldn't sleep but without giving up she tried shutting the past thoughts that were pulling her into the pool of regret and guilt, but whatever she does her inner demons fighting back with equal strength by showing the things that she wanted to forget. The broken pieces of her life sticking before her face and smiling at her, mockingly.

Giving up so easily Meera opened her eyes, heaving out a defeated sigh. She felt somewhat difficult to breathe and instantly her body became cold reminding how stupid and how helpless she is at those times. To put herself together Meera took the glass of water on the desk beside the bed and swallowed it in a gulp. She felt somewhat relieved and gazed at her room filled with gloom and silence.

Still, her heart is beating fast because of him, her terrible dream. She stood up from her bed and went near the window. She opened the glass door to see the dark sky and the building that was soaked in the rain. She noticed the time is 3.00 am, midnight.

Her nightmare, it is not new to her. That was haunting her for the past three years. But it was different today, he caressed her skin and it felt so real like she is again in his arms and being his pet.

No I should never think that Meera nodded her head to avoid those things and went back to the bed, she tied her hair in a bun and thought to take the medications for sleep since it is so stressful without having a proper sleep but these medicines were turning her weak physically. In a confusion, Meera again laid on her bed and thought about everything that happened in her past and without knowing her eyes welled in tears that were hard for her to control, after all.

My life is ruined by myself and I am the sole reason for all that happened, she thought while letting out silent sobs.

Meera again opened her eyes to see the time is seven in the morning. Sensing her eyes were now burning hot she slowly raised up from her bed and walked to the bathroom to take a cold shower. She dressed up in her Uniform and got ready for her work. Meera was working in two different jobs. In the day, as a receptionist in a famous hotel in the city and in the evening, she is working in a supermarket located at the end of her street.

She drank a cup of green tea and some cookies, she didn’t mind seeing herself in the mirror since she stopped doing that a long time before. After locking the house Meera walked down, it was quite a sunny day. When she reached near the entrance,

“Meera leaving for work?” Shanthi asked her.

“Yep," she smiled nodding her head.

“Had your breakfast?” she asked and Meera said yes or else Shanthi will scold her for skipping meals. After a few seconds of silence.

“Meera, will you do me a favor,” she asked in a requesting tone.

“Sure what is it?”

“Will you give the rent a weak before? Because I need to pay the college fee for Renu,” she asked Meera hesitantly.

“Sure, I will transfer the money to your account in two days,” Meera assured.

“Thanks, Meera that’s a great help,” she expressed her gratitude, and Meera left nodding her head with a smile. For the past two and a half years Meera was renting in Shanthi’s house, she is a single mother and her husband died of cancer, Renu was her daughter pursuing her psychology degree. Shanthi was going for a job and she maintains the family. Meera was staying on the first floor of her house, she is close to her since Shanthi was so helpful and caring like her mother but she knows that no one can replace her mom’s absence.

After ten minutes of walk, Meera reached the bus stop and she waited for her bus. Beside the bus Stop, there was a small shop selling newspapers and magazines, she decided to buy today’s newspaper since she doesn’t have a Television in her home. After buying she saw that her bus was approaching so she kept the newspaper in her bag and got inside the bus.

Thirty minutes of the quite ride Meera reached the SLA hotel where she is working as a receptionist for the past two years. She came at a perfect time and went to her place as soon as she enters the hotel and said Hi to her one only friend Priya.

“Hey, you didn’t sleep well? Why you’re looking like this?” she inquired Meera after looking at her visible dark circle under her eyes.

“Ah... yes I didn’t because of a headache,” she lied and changed the topic of their conversation. No one knows that she is an insomniac patient because she doesn’t let anyone know her mistakes.

The work is somewhat simple for Meera and she is really loving her Job. Meera got this job mainly because of Rani, their manager. Meera doesn’t know why she selected her, when she told both of her parents were dead in the job interview Rani looked Meera in a sympathetic way and the next day they called her and said that she got the job, after joining here Rani was very kind towards Meera than with anyone and Meera also got a nice friend like Priya. After all that happened in her past, she can still able to live in this world because of these good people around her and she’s so grateful for them.

In the afternoon while she’s having lunch with Priya, she remembered the newspaper that she bought. So she has taken it out and started to read but they were interrupted by Arun, the one that annoys her all the time. He’s working as a cook. He’s good looking and a very nice guy but what that annoys her the most that he’s always flirting with Meera.

After noticing him Meera didn’t raise her head up to avoid him,

“Someone is trying so hard to avoid me Priya,” he said to Priya but looking at Meera and took the seat opposite to them.

But Meera didn’t mind him and looked at the newspaper.

“Priya, by the way how are you? How was your weekend with your boyfriend?” he asked her but Meera knows he’s asking her.

“Hmm great, Arun did you heard that Ram is going to resign the job,” Priya started her gossiping.

“Yeah after having a fight with our senior manager he decided to resign,” he replied.

“You know why he fought with him,” she mumbled.

“I don’t know but...” and here they go, started gossiping about everyone except her. If Meera was not here they will talk about her too. But they are very good friends working here from even before Meera have joined in here.

After reading two pages Meera closed it and went back to continue her work, she avoided everyone especially Arun cause she thought that’s the best for her current peaceful life.

At 5.30 pm her work time ended, mostly the rich politicians, business people, and some celebrities stay in this hotel. They conduct parties and events here and this hotel is very famous and the costliest place in the entire city. Meera never wanted to be around in this high-class atmosphere but her fate it always giving what she hates.

She traveled on her regular bus to her house. After getting back, she changed her uniform into a normal jean and a plain black shirt and got ready for her part-time work at the supermarket. She joined in this job five months before, it is just a three-hour work from 6 to 9. She mainly joined in this to be always occupied and keeping herself busy makes her forget the pain that killing her day by day, she doesn’t know why she’s still living in this world but she doesn’t want to kill herself since she tried really hard to overcome from that thought in the past.

Meera reached the supermarket and her work changes every day according to the schedule, sometimes she works on bill counters, then sometimes she works on arranging things, there were many people working here as part-time so she can’t see the same person again and again because the working shifts may vary and she doesn’t speak with anyone here except with that old manager. And today she was assigned to work in bill counter.

After working for three straight hours Meera headed back to her house, it was dark but the streetlights make it look brighter and she noticed only a few people were walking along with her, so she enjoyed walking in that snowy street.

After reaching her house Meera unlocked the door and went into her room straight removing her sweater. She’s not hungry the feeling of appetite just vanished from her a long time before. She changed into her pajamas and took her medicine to sleep. But before sleeping, she decided to continue reading that newspaper. “Reading will help you to fall asleep fast,” believing Priya’s word she read every single day before going to bed. Sometimes it worked but sometimes her nightmare overpowers her determination.

She sat in the little couch near the window, a slow breeze stroked her body, she felt today is somewhat good, and nowadays she is slowly started to overcome everything unlike today she doesn’t often dream about him.

After reading the sports section Meera turned to the business column. Her eyes scanned the entire page but soon her eyes widened in shock to see that image of him. Her hands couldn’t hold that paper anymore. She dropped that from her hand and her eyes welled with tears. Without her control, her hands started to shiver. Meera looked again at the person who she wanted to erase from her memory were now filled in her eyes.

Her brimming tears slowly rolled down to her cheeks and fallen in the image of that person.