Love and War: Shackles of the Heart

People claimed that one would never forget their first love, and they weren't wrong. Even after a decade had passed, memories of her still lingered vividly in my mind.

Back in those days, we shared an innocent, unadulterated affection for each other. Every time we held hands, it felt like I was so sure of what I wanted in life. To me, being with her someday in the future was a distant dream that I wanted to mold into reality.

The way her eyes smiled along with her lips was tantalizing. And each time she called out my name was music to my ears. Those days were long gone…but not forgotten.

A decade ago, we were classmates at the academy. I had never bothered to pay attention to anyone, for all I focused on was my mastery of magic, the ways of the sword, and the art of war.

I was lauded for my prowess in all fields, including academics. My peers respected me, and I made many friends. But even then, most were afraid of me.

Though it pained me to admit this, I used to be a hothead, and I had a violent streak. Nobody ever dared to provoke me, and somehow, it made me feel like all the friends I made weren't real. None of them saw who I really was, and who I wanted to become.

Our professors and instructors often turned to me for demonstrations of hard spells, difficult academic subjects, and even bold fighting skills. For that reason, many of my batchmates were either envious of me or resented me.

One fine day, as I sat on the park bench, staring at a distance and on my own, a wide-eyed lass named Claire approached me. She sat beside me and gave me a Jasmine flower.

“Do you know what jasmines symbolize?" she asked me, staring right at my face.

I'd never been one to make eye contact, so I looked away and answered, “I don't. I never bothered to learn about flowers.”

Claire opened my palm and put the stem of the flower in my hand. “They signify joy,” she said, still maintaining eye contact. “I don't know if you know me, but we're from the same class. Miss Ibarra's class.”

She then heaved a sigh and said, “You have friends around you, but I think you’re lonely. I'm not going to ask you why because we don't know each other that well yet. This is why this flower is all I can give you for now. I hope that this flower becomes the mark of joy in your life. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon, you'll find happiness.”

For one full second, I felt like time had stopped. I couldn’t help but look at her face. And there, I saw the brightest smile I’d ever seen in my fifteen years of existence. Her eyes glimmered beneath the sunlight, and her curly brown hair danced along with the wind.

At the time, I had no idea how it felt to have strong feelings for someone, so I turned to the only logical explanation: it was curiosity that drew me to her.

From that day on, I paid attention to her in class. She wasn’t the best at academics, and she was above average at best. In terms of combat, she was quite lacking in comparison to the other female students. But when it came to arts and crafts, she was in her element.

Everything she made was a masterpiece and a sight to behold. And in truth, I became more beholden to her after I came to that realization. I started to notice the more subtle details of her appearance and her skills.

Not only was she good at arts, but she was also quite adept at creating complex spells. There was one time, we were partners in an activity. We were supposed to come up with a complex spell that involved water and earth energy.

During the activity, she was able to create a painting in the sand of different colors using only the mana she weaved from the water in the air and the mana she drew out from the soil. It was a picture of the bench under the tree we sat on.

How beautiful her smile was when she saw just how captivated I was by the picture she drew out of magic.

It was then that I noticed she had hazel-colored eyes. There was a tiny mole near her left eye, but it didn't diminish her beauty. As a matter of fact, the tiny mole elevated it.

When she tilted her head at me, wondering why I was staring so intently at her, I looked away, fearing that I was too enamored by her face.

“That's a great picture,” I told her.

My remark only made her chuckle. “You were staring at me, not the picture,” she countered.

I shook my head to deny her claim and excused myself, saying that I was heading to the bathroom to pee.

But in truth, I went there to wash my face and shake the overwhelming emotions off.

Ever since I was a boy, I had always been logical, straightforward, and straitlaced. I put my duty to my family and my dreams of being a Royal Knight of the kingdom above all else.

But ever since I met her, I began to develop feelings that I'd never felt before. Whenever I was around her, I felt warm inside. At times, I would catch myself staring at her in a daze. And when she caught me staring, she'd cover her mouth and giggle.

Days passed by and the day of the academy's festival came. I found myself searching for her across the dimly lit halls. Sometime later, I found her enjoying a nice time with some guy from our class, laughing and chatting with him.

Seeing them together like that made me feel suffocated. It felt like someone had gripped my heart and ripped it apart, piece by piece. I never knew that emotional pain could be so physically painful as well.

I must admit that I didn't know what heartbreak was back then, but it sure hurt a lot to see her with some other guy. To make matters worse, we weren't even together. She was just a friend who happened to give me an innocent Jasmine flower.

As I stood frozen outside the classroom, staring right at Claire and her friend, I didn't notice that she had noticed me as well. When I finally came to my senses, I ran away like the idiot I was.

Later, I sat at the bench I first met her. There were lots of people passing by, but I couldn't see any of them. Time slowed down. Red leaves fell from the tree behind me and fell onto the spot on the bench beside me.

I was in a trance. I couldn't see, hear, nor feel a thing aside from the heartbreaking pain in my chest.

All of a sudden, I heard her sweet voice calling out to me. She touched my shoulder and sent me back to reality. "Arcturus!”

She shook me one more time and said, “Why'd you run off like that?”

I looked away, unable to stare into her eyes. “Nothing,” I said. “Just go back to your friend.”

“He is my friend. Why do you sound so upset?” Claire asked. “We're friends, too, right?”

“Right,” I answered passively. Then, I stood up and tried to walk away.

But then, she held my wrist and for some reason, she was blushing. “Were you… jealous?” she asked again.

I couldn't answer her question because I didn't know what jealousy felt like. “I don't know,” I said, staring at her hand on my wrist.

Refusing to let me go, she responded, “I won't let you go until you tell me something! You can't just say ‘nothing’ or ‘I don't know'. At least help me understand you!”

After taking a deep breath, I endured the suffocating pain in my heart and said, “Seeing you with him made my heart ache for some reason. I don’t understand how feelings work yet, and I’m not even sure if these are the right words to describe how I feel about you.”

I had never spoken so many words at one time without necessity, but I found myself unable to stop speaking.

“Every time you smile at me, I feel warm inside. And the days I spend with you are the most peaceful ones I've had in all my life. But… seeing you smile the same way at someone else made me feel like my heart is about to explode.” I clutched my chest and continued, “Even as I speak now, it still feels like my heart is being jabbed with needles over and over.”

This time, I was able to look her in the eye, but my vision had become blurred by my own tears. “Before I met you, I was so sure of what I wanted to become, and I could live without depending on anyone to complete my day. But now… I'm not so sure anymore.”

A smile appeared on her lips, and a tear rolled down her cheeks, but she remained silent.

“You've become someone I can no longer live without. My day isn't complete without talking to you. And each moment I wake up, I counted down the minutes until you arrive at school and sit next to me in class. You've… you've got some sort of hold on me that I just can't shake off. You—”

Before I could even finish my sentence, she planted a kiss on my lips. And just as I was about to recover from the shock, she said to me, “I'm in love with you, too.”

From that day on, we spent lunch breaks together, and I dropped her off at home every single day. It was truly a blissful time.

But as I said before… those days were long gone.