Dare to Fall

I opened the scrapbook my mother had made for me when I was three years old and had given it to me as a birthday present when I was fourteen.

When I was three years old, she began putting pictures in the scrapbook. It was packed with family photos, which made me miss my father even more just looking at it.

My father died when I was thirteen, and I struggled for four years without him. I recall the last time I saw him when he took me to a location somewhere in southern California over the summer, and I had no idea it would be our last road trip together.

As I flipped through the scrapbook's pages, I grinned to myself as I recalled. My father's memories were as new as yesterday, making it difficult for me to let go of him every day.

I collected all of my strength and stood up from my bunk, putting on some slippers as I stepped out of my room, taking the scrapbook that had been sitting on my lap, and placing it on the bed beside me. As I made my way down the stairs, I was greeted by the scent of marinara sauce. I started walking towards the kitchen, but I came to a halt when I saw my mother applying makeup to her face in the hallway mirror.

"What are you doing?" I wondered, cocking my head to the side and studying her reflection in the mirror. As I continue to look at her, I wondered. When she turns her head in my direction, she removes the foundation she was carrying and places it on the table in front of her.

She sent me a perplexed glance, and I returned the stare. "The usual," she says. She returns her attention to the mirror and starts applying makeup to her eyes, gently dabbing the powder onto her face with a beauty blender.

My mother goes on dates with many dudes she met online every two weeks, both inside and outside her office. I've met several men that my mother has taken into our home, and the mere idea of her marrying another man makes me sick to my stomach.

My mother has been struggling to move on from my father's death. I tried to stop her initially, but I gave up when she started to ignore everything I said, notably when I voiced my displeasure with what she was doing. She claims she needs to forget about dad and get on with her life, and her response is to date random men.

But it wasn't an honest answer for me. "By the way, I bought pizza," she says as soon as she's finished adding red lipstick to her lips. I leaned on the wall, my eyes fixed on the time, which reads 7:15. "Please do the laundry and wash the dishes in the sink."

I rolled my eyes as I scoffed at her comment. I say whiningly, "I'm about to go outside to see Ethan."

Ethan is my childhood best friend.

I first met him in school, back when we were still living in Pennsylvania. Jen, his mother, was a friend of my mother's. My mother and Jen wanted to introduce us because they figured we'd be good friends, and we all ended up enjoying each other's company.

I moved out of Pennsylvania when I was seven years old, and we've been traveling to new towns and cities every year since then, leaving Ethan and our relationship behind. But then, just three years ago, my mother and I returned to Pennsylvania and agreed to stay for another three or four years, figuring that it was actually safer to stay this time than to leave. Ethan and I rekindled our relationship, and I vowed never to abandon him.

Perhaps it was too soon to make a commitment that I'll have to break shortly.

I've had a thing for Ethan for almost eight years, and I can't stop thinking about him after we moved out of this house. I never had the opportunity to tell him how I really felt about him until he announced that he has a girlfriend with whom he has been dating for four years.

I've been hanging out with Ethan again after an eight-year absence, and ever since I moved out of town and out of his reach, he's been a different person. He wasn't the same guy with whom I had made friends in kindergarten.

I suppose it's understandable that everybody evolves—but do we grow for the better? Or are we just seeking to become a better version of ourselves without any positive intentions?

We've been friends for three years, and he hasn't adequately introduced me to his mother. Any time I want to bring her up, he says his girlfriend is out of town or isn't getting along right now. I didn't want to fight with Ethan anymore because he wouldn't tell me her name or show me a snapshot of her.

The more I hide my thoughts, the more it pains me that I want to observe him from afar, believing that he is in love with someone else. That someone else isn't me, by the way.

"How about I pay you for doing the chores?" Mom says, catching my attention. My eyes widened as a smile forms its way to my face.

I've been trying to save money for college, but I end up saving nothing every time I try. Whenever I head out to go shopping because of a discount or treat Ethan to something to eat, I typically end up snatching money from my bank account.

Furthermore, since I have not yet begun school, getting a career at this time would confuse my schedule.

"That is actually a great deal, but I would still be going out today," I say, "But... you can count on me," I added cheekily as my mom breaks into chuckles.

I marched back up the stairs to my place, turning around on my heel. When I got upstairs, I went straight to my nightstand to unplug my phone, which had been charging for almost three hours.

I receive text messages from Ethan, and in between messages, I smile. As I headed back down the stairs, I took my keys from the table and went to my wardrobe to get a sweatshirt.

"Don't forget about our deal," My mom says as she walked towards me as I stop at the last staircase. I gazed at her from head to toe as I plaster a smirk on my face. "What do you think?"

She was clad in a silky red gown that hugged her torso and emphasized the figure of her body.

She twirls around slowly as I watch her in awe, "You look good," I say truthfully. "Please don't bring any of your dates back here again because it would be an awkward breakfast tomorrow morning," I added, making my mom laugh.

It had been two weeks since she had taken one of her dates home. Dave (or whatever his name was) was pacing around the kitchen in his underwear, behaving as he lived here.

My mother sighs and bends in close, kissing the top of my head. "I'll be home by eleven o'clock, and I expect the chores to be completed as I just said and as we all agreed," she says, turning her heel and making her way to the front door first.

"You don't have to repeat it twice, you know," I say in an annoyed tone.

She comes to a halt in the middle of her journey and tries to turn around to give me one more glance before leaving the building. "I love you," she says, rolling my eyes.

I blow her a kiss that made me cringe at the back of my head, "Love you, too," I say before I watch her disappear entirely out of my sight.

My phone began to ring from inside the pocket of my jeans. I sighed and reached into my pocket to retrieve my cell. I read the caller ID for a second before rapidly sliding the button to answer the call, rolling my eyes at the name.

"You are so impatient, and you know that?" I say as I put the phone on speaker mode as I placed it on the staircase, two steps above me as I pull the sweatshirt towards my head to wear it.

"I know, and I hate that I am," Ethan says on the other line, making me chuckle to myself at his honesty. "I'm ordering without you," he added, sounding bored.

I grabbed my phone on the staircase and instantly made my way towards the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house, locking it first before altogether leaving the place. "I told you to wait!"

"I am waiting," he says. "I'm just really thirsty."

I walked towards the garage as I made my way towards the car and unlocking it, "Why don't you just tell me what you wanted to tell me instead of going out today?" Ethan whines on the other line. "You know that my time is really precious."

I placed my phone on the dashboard, "Precious, because you are hanging out with your girlfriend and don't have enough time to hang out with me?" I say in a bitter tone.

"You know that's not true," I hopped inside the car as I placed the keys to the ignition, turning the key as the engine roars its way to life and as I buckled up my seatbelt for safety.

"I'm about to leave the house now and drive towards the highway," I say as I put the car on the drive setting and started to drive out of the garage and onto the road.

I told Ethan I wanted to catch up today because I wanted to tell him something, and I decided that now would be an excellent time to come up to him and admit my true feelings about him instead of avoiding them.

It was preferable to confront the problem than to disregard it. I don't want to live another day and think back on the stuff I wish I had done but didn't. I wanted to be honest with Ethan as much as he tried to be frank with me; even if that means our relationship would be ruined due to my confession and he will look at me differently, I will embrace it.

I'm so sick of staring at him with my own eyes. I believe it is time for me to share my thoughts about him with him. I want to express myself, and if he doesn't like it, I'll have to swallow the facts because that's the way things are.

For the very least, I won't have to continue suppressing my emotions any longer.