Should I Stay or Leave?

I closed the door.

Blag!!

It could have hit me if not for the door. I took a deep breath, went downstairs to pick up my son and leave.

This is one of those days where I asked myself should I stay or should I leave? But until now, I can’t seem to decide. All I do is cry at night with only the walls listening to me.

You might wonder was battered. No!

Loved? I don’t know!

Cared for? Maybe!

Then the next question you might ask is why?

My name is Kamiah and this is my story.

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She was 2 days late. The tracker had rung its notification to alert her if she has failed to update it. But, she did not.

Three days ago, she started spotting. Usually, that’s how her period starts. Then, after a day or two comes the normal menstrual bleeding. But, that’s not what happened. Instead for three consecutive days, all she experience was light spotting. She feels weird. It never happened before. So, she got herself a pregnancy test.

After five days of light spotting, she did the test first thing in the morning. She was anxious during that few seconds of waiting to see how many lines would show up. Finally, a LINE showed. And she sighed with relief.

For the succeeding days, spotting is gone but no period as well. She started asking herself was stress the culprit of making her period act unusually. She did not think about pregnancy. She did the test already and it showed that she failed the test of becoming a mom. So, she decided to give it a few more days or even a month.

A month passed; still, her period did not come to visit her. Her intuition is screaming of “Pregnant, Pregnant” again. But she was not feeling nauseous, she doesn’t vomit, and she doesn’t have food cravings or aversions. Sure, she has mood swings like any other woman and it can happen anytime. But to quiet the voice inside her head, she decided to buy two of those pregnancy tests again. This time, she decided to do the test immediately upon arriving home. She doesn’t want to wait until the next morning. If she is pregnant, it should show right away.

There she is again, looking at that pregnancy test doing its job. She feels like it was slow this time. Then, voila, TWO LINES.

“What? Are you serious? It can’t be? I tested before and it was negative. This must be wrong. Let me do it again after three hours,” she said.

After three hours, she tried again. This time the result was faster and clearer. It was TWO LINES, still. She looked at it shocked with tears flowing from her eyes. She is having mixed feelings about it. A part of her was so happy knowing that she is capable of having a child. She is already in her early 30’s with two sisters who were having a hard time conceiving. The other part is sad because she is not ready for it. Firstly, her relationship with her boyfriend is shaky most of the time. She knows that he is not also ready for it so she doesn’t know how he will react. Secondly, if Acwell, her boyfriend, is not ready to take responsibility then she must go back from where she is originally from. She does not want to go home because it means losing her job. If she doesn’t have a job, how can she raise this child? But, if she stays in Dubai and not married, it means jail time and deportation for her. All of those thoughts made her cry even more.

She lies down on the bed and covered herself from head to toe with a comforter. She does not want her roommate to see her crying. She was even holding herself not to be loud when she wanted to cry as loud as she can to take it all out. She sent Acwell on Whatsapp, the screenshot of the pregnancy test with a message,

“I did this twice and the result is the same. We need to talk. I want to hear what you want to do.”

Acwell replied after 5 minutes, “Are you trying to say, you are pregnant? I don’t understand that two lines.”

“I am if the test is not mistaken but I did it twice. So, what do you want to do?”

“It’s too early for me to talk about this. I just woke up and even not feeling well. We will talk later. I need to go to work.”

That is exactly what she expects him to answer. He just confirmed that he is not yet ready to be a father. So she replied,

“It is not hard to answer if you know what you want. Anyway, we have to talk as soon as possible. I can’t stay here for too long. I need to plan my life. I need to look for a job and get ready to raise this child.”

He did not respond to her last message. “What I am going to do?” she thought. She closed her eyes and covers her mouth. Her cry is getting louder and louder. She is worried that her roommate might wake up because of it. She wanted to calm herself. So, she opened Netflix and decided to watch “The Notebook”. She wanted to divert her mind from thinking and worrying. She wanted to fall in love and cry through Nicholas Sparks story. And she wanted to be able to give a very good excuse if in case her roommate wakes up and asked why she is crying. But, actually, the main reason she wanted to watch it, is because she wanted to believe in love. She wanted to feel and believe that she has that kind of love. She used to not appreciate the movie that she could not even finish watching it. But now that she is so sad and has a lot on her head, she was able to finish it. And surprisingly, she loved it.